NEVER Forget your Romantic Ideals…

NEVER Forget your Romantic Ideals–


I think it’s a beautiful thing that Text-Edit will Spell-check my English with a Canadian Dictionary

Written by Grandpa Dinosaur


I just got off the phone with a former monk. He was trying to convince me that I should go to a Fund-raising, Dance Party organized by the Cambodian Temple for Cambodian community. I declined, I would feel lonely amongst a sea of elderly Cambodian adults and parents in their late forties rocking out to the same Cambodian songs that they’ve been playing at the events for 14 years. Okay, I lied, they’re a LITTLE better now, playing new songs, but MAN O MAN do they love the classics! but he kept asking me to go, saying I was over 18 and I was an adult.

Then he said that MOST 18 year old Cambodian people are married and go to temple to pray… we’re talking in Cambodia, dude. Then he began to hassle me when I said I didn’t need a boyfriend, BUT I STILL NEEDED A HUSBAND!

I promptly decided the conversation MUST END, and proceeded to sorta lie to a former holy man that dedicated thirty years of his life to helping bridge the gap between Cambodia and Canada through politics and what not.

It wasn’t really lying, I was busy… THIS PORNOGRAPHY WON’T DOWNLOAD IT’S SELF! (No joking, I am pretty busy.)

I’ve been contemplating my life thus far, if I’ve done that right things.

Satisfied with most things, I continued to draw art and write.

I know I walk a strange line. I know I have strange ideas. That’s okay, I know most people don’t agree with me. And I like myself, although I REALLY want a pompadour.

It’s a hard line, you really got to believe in yourself to walk it. To not give into the pressures of both sides. The traditional, backwards at times Cambodian societal pressures (don’t go out late, don’t slam doors, speak softly) and the pressure, coming from teachers, classmates, friends (stay late for class, go out the party, don’t listen to parents). Both sides have valid points. Both can suck a lot of times, and both usually try to make me feel bad for doing what I want.

There is a loneliness in doing what you want, sometimes that loneliness comes from being different, sometimes that loneliness can be isolating. It can also crush you if you’re not careful.

It’s easy to forget what you want from life, to get swept away, to give up. This blog isn’t called Pregnant Drug-Dealing Prostitutes without a reason. A lot of people I grew up with “didn’t make it.” They became pregnant, underage moms. They became drug dealers. And there were rumours of prostitution.

Not everyone can be themselves. Something Davitacuttita said made me realize something. Sometimes if you compromise a little, you compromise everything. Something that you tolerate, may never really tolerate you.

I still feel grateful and privileged for what I have, but there is still things I want and won’t compromise things for or I’ll regret my entire life.

That is the cornerstone of my writing, that and going for your dreams. I can’t forget those who gave up or fell down. I’m (still) a failure at a lot of things, but because I never give up trying or in myself. I try not to give up on others (although my brother is a HUGE loser). I have a harsh idea of living my own life, “if you give up on your dreams you die.” “If you give up on someone, they die.” But I like it, I think it’s real. I was going to say manly, but yeah… What is a woman? What is a man? I don’t care.

This is my strange line. This is my life-line. This is my road.

I hung up because I knew despite all my accomplishments, there are those who think that I haven’t done enough. That I haven’t contributed enough… Or that marriage is something that will complete me, that I am living a half-life even though I am not actively searching out love or in a relationship. It’s hard to hear that I’m not good enough as a person, especially as a recovering perfectionist. I’m not saying that there are things that I won’t help out with for my community, but there are a lot of things I want to do for my own selfish purposes and that’s hard for me to do.

I’ve given my all for both my friends and family and community, trying to balance both worlds, receiving more demands and almost nothing in return.

I continue to walk that strange line where no one is really satisfied… Or even happy.

That is why I go about doing what I want with MY life–Because in the end of the day, there’s only me.

Because if I don’t, I’ll regret it. That is the lesson I learned.

I don’t care if people don’t like the way I live, I know I try my best.

I try my best even when those in my life say to not “try” but “do.” And the word “do” is more concrete, it leaves no room for mistakes. Only perfectionism.

It’s hard not to be obsessed with winning, losing, being the best… Me, I’m just content with getting there. I don’t need to get as wrapped up with perfection as my family may want me to be. Because it’s not easy to go anywhere in life, to do what you want in life. Doing everything perfectly has no effect in getting where I want to be in life.

Just trying to do something right, the way I want to do it, instead of perfectly means more to me.

It’s okay to be a little greedy, I’ve learned.

To fail, to be a little fat. Those are the compromises I am willing to make, I’m only human.

And I’m a real human. I’m not a fake person, I am me. I’m not going to try to be someone else in order to be accepted temporarily or a little. I’m not going to compromise myself or my dreams or the dreams of how I want to live the rest of my life.

There is a destination I would like to reach, where I can live the life I want to live.

Because if I don’t my heart will break, that all my ambitions, dreams, hopes, aspirations, goals will die.

It will mean nothing is in life is achievable.

(I was actually going to write about arranged marriage today, because I’ve received six proposals, but that’ll happen another day.)


~ by l on March 7, 2008.

One Response to “NEVER Forget your Romantic Ideals…”

  1. Yes, I promised I was going to read the blog, and I’m going to read the blog. From the beginning.

    I can totally relate to the theme here. Societal pressure, parental pressure. Even my parents make gay jokes at my expense. When I went back to visit my home conutry, all the elders could ask me is, where’s your girlfriend? Where’re my grandchildren? … and my parents, of course, weren’t any help at all. “Yes, dear, why don’t you tell your great/grand/aunt/mother?” -.-

    I think you’re right. I have a theory as to why we’re like this (I’ll explain another time), but i think we are too wrapped up in winning, or being the best, or things that don’t really matter. My friend from highschool (one of two that i still keep in touch with) wanted me to go volunteer in a third world country to get some perspective. I’m not sure if i want to go or not, but he’s right about one thing; it’ll help me “give up” on the mundane things i worry about on a day to day basis. Who cares if whats-her-name doesn’t have time for you, when there are people who can’t even get potable water where they live?

    Personally, I think it’s not the destination that’s interesting, but the journey itself.

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