It Sucks to be Single

It Sucks to be Single
But you can suck my cock anytime

Written by Grandpa Dinosaur

I’m TIRED of getting called out on being single. Singled out on being single.

You know why I hate you coupled people?! You’re so god damned NOSEY!

FUCK! SHIT!

Tired of the monk at the temple asking me when I’m gonna get married–That it’s not RIGHT that I’m not married, dating, WITH someone. I should have to be forced, heckled, hackled, shackled to someone to give me self-assurance. I can stand tall–AND GUESS WHAT?! BY MYSELF! I can pay my bills by myself! Shit, I can even pay for school by myself (and a little help of my parents).

I don’t want to be told I’m the weird one! Without the two kids at twenty-two, not moved out with the boyfriend at twenty-two, not married at twenty-two, not engaged at twenty-two, not dating at twenty-two.

Fuck! I guess I missed out! FUCK! SHIT! Missing out on shit. Gotta go slit my wrists, join a nunnery! FUCK SHIT!

MY LIFE MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE I AM SINGLE! I AM HUMAN GARBAGE! SHIT! FUCK!

Tired of being told that I’m relationship-phobic!—That I’m not a ouendan, cheerleader for relationships! That I’m not handing out fifties to couples so that they can go out on dates! FUCK YOU! FUCK! FUCK ME! Oh man, I’m such a bitch. Oh man, I hate relationships. I hate those babies. I’m gonna drop mah baby, I’m a baby dropper. I HATE RELATIONSHIPS! SHIT!fuckSHIT! Sorry, I don’t want to see you cuddle. Sorry I feel uncomfortable when you make out. I gotta be more considerate, gotta start carrying fifties, packing diapers in my backpack and an extra pad for you, wait you won’t need pads for a while–YOU’RE PREGNANT!

The straights are coming! They’re getting married! Having babies! Make way, I got a fifty! Gotta give them a fifty! Give them money for putting love in this world! More babies in the world! Oh thank you for making more babies! The world NEVER has enough babies! GAWD Canada’s so underpopulated! Need every baby! Everyone of them!

OH FUCK! OH!!! WAIT! YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!

I BE HATIN’ ON PEOPLE-PEOPLE IN GENERAL!!!

Them’s having people tell me that I hate commitment and I hate love and and I hate all of that shit. EVERYTHING! EVERYONE! Then they–the coupled people—got to go around telling people that I’m not in a relationship: “Oh poor, Grandpa, not in a relationship!” SHIT! OMG! POOR ME! NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP! NO ONE LOVES ME! NO ONE EVER LOVES ME! I’M COMPLETELY UNLOVABLE! INCAPABLE OF LOVE! OMG! OMG! NO! NO LOVE FOR ME! OH NO!!!! ;-; I’m not committed to my community enough. Not committed to my family enough! Not giving away too much of myself! Gotta give every bit of it away! Gotta keep working everyday–Never gonna be good enough! NEVER GONNA BE GOOD ENOUGH–I’m single! A relationship-hating-phobic-anti-baby-marriage-structure-single person hating machine! FUCK SHIT! Can’t contribute NOTHING to Society. Nope nothing!

SHIT! FEURRRRCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!
FUCCCCKIIINGGGG CRAPPPPPPPPPPP!!!
WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOO????!!!
NUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People tellin’ me I got to love somebody, fuck somebody, let them fuck me, let me get fucked, robbed, broken-hearted and shit. I gotta go through the “relationship,” or I’m not an adult. Not a person unless I got someone’s last name. I’m not doing the right thing. Doesn’t matter if I volunteer my free time, doesn’t matter matter how many dolphin’s I save. I’m a fucking murderer.

What’s wrong with me?! I’m evil, I must be a lesbian. I must be AN EVIL LESBIAN! Every day, lezzing it in and out, out and in.

People just keep saying AWFUL things about single people! What can I do! I’M SINGLE! AND THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT ME!!!

Well… There’s nothing I can do about it.

Because I’m single.

I’m just one person.

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~ by l on March 18, 2008.

One Response to “It Sucks to be Single”

  1. totally reminds me of this skit from Louis CK (i’m a bit of a fan boy) talking about why single people don’t matter. I don’t agree with him 100%, but I do agree that we’re often preoccupied with trivial matters. My friend has a theory, and I agree to a certain extent, that it’s because we lack perspective. But i think there are many other things that we can do to change our perspective, and getting married and having kids is only one of many. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually … we have many different type of needs that can be fulfilled in a variety of ways. Just because we’ve been pooping out kids historically and traditionally doesn’t, and shouldn’t mean it’s the only thing we can do.

    i’ve gotten used to my relatives asking about when i’m going to get married and have kids. My excuses get more colourful as time goes on. I don’t think it’s anything that they can help, because that’s the way they are, y’know?

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