Shut-In: Prologue

Shut-In: Prologue

22 Year Old, Female Canadian Hikikomori

I decided to write this because I have had enough with people hating on me because I am a shut-in.

And by shut-in, I mean I don’t go outside.

I’m tired of it. I want people to understand who I am, why I am like this and question “why I don’t want better for myself.” Like they understand who I am and what I am about. My father, my mother, my brother, my friends, my employee interviewers, my teachers and peers… I’m going to explain it to you, you can ask questions until you get an answer that satisfies you–but I’m not going to change myself until I AM satisfied with who I AM!

Because that’s important to me.

Loving myself and forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not getting field placement in Graphic Design. For getting and being sick. For having a weak body but trying to push that very same weak body to the point of which doctor’s are telling me I might die. I need a break, but I can’t give up. And I need to see what is viable and what is not, because REGARDLESS of what happens I have to plan for every little thing that goes wrong. I have to plan if I want to pursue the never though of before 3D Animation, budget for it, work toward it while planning how I can live alone and get an apartment.

And you know there are people in my family who don’t want me to be happy, and it’s hard to deal with–but I can overcome it.

It’s me who has to deal with a father who desperately wishes that I were not only a son, but my brother.

It’s me who has to carve out an identity of my own.

It’s me, who has to be spat on and beaten up at community events for having MY OWN beliefs.

For not wanting to be like OTHER Cambodian people, who wants better for herself by BEING herself and wants to project a positive image of a both traditional, but modern Canadian-Cambodian.

An IDEA so crazy and revolutionary that she gets beaten up for it and ostracized.

Call it selfish. Call it stupid. Call it bullshit, a whole heaping load of bullshit. Call it fighting for a stupid cause. I’ll figure out how to destroy the walls of sexism, stereotypes, abuse, the poverty cycle and how to follow and get my dream of being a comic artist.

But THAT is my life. I have to develop that future for not only myself, but carve out a path for Cambodian girls to follow. I want better, not only for myself, but for ALL South-Asian Women–But that shit needs a plan–A PLAN THAT I’M COMING UP FOR AND BRINGING TO THE STORE TO GET PATENTED!

People act if I’m not creative, that I don’t write or think or dream. That I am stagnant. That my life is going no where. That I don’t spend the time writing research papers on the subject of pedophilia and moe so that I may understand it MYSELF—and you know what I’m going to take my thesis and research thus far, build on it with solid evidence and turn it into a book now. Just because. People act like I didn’t draw three different, unique is style comic pages within the span of two months. A total of 40 pages then go off and finish a 34 page comic in seven days, ink, print, publish and sent to to a Japanese Embassy.

Do you really believe that my life is stagnant? That I’m not working my hardest, despite my doctors worrying I might die all the time from stress?

You know what is stagnant about my life? I have to put up with put downs about how I am a Cambodian woman every day. When I go outside, I have to deal with the stares and prejudices that linger today. There are things in this world less willing to change than me–I’m am NOT sorry that I need a break from the racial and sexist bullshit I put up with everyday. I’m am NOT sorry that I’m a shut-in, hikikomori, and that I might be considered anti-social and what not…

I don’t have the privilege of worry about that crap. I don’t have to money, energy, time, resources to deal to become the person people want me to be.

I am going to take the resources and all the energy and deal with the pain in my right arm and conquer one thing at a time. I’m all ready at my limit, but we’re getting started.

I will conquer this.

I will be a shut-in until I know the next world I build is better and more realistic and beautiful and dangerous. It is me who will change and continue to change my past of failures.

Even if I have to become a hikikomori to do it.

Because we all need second chances and we all need time to heal.

Think of this as the story of a shonen action anti-hero. I’m on my last feet and I can see death but still try to fight, forgive and live. It’s a sad existence. Hopefully I won’t die too horribly and this will have a happy ending.

This is for my shut-in buddy in another part of Canada. A person who has been through a lot as well.

This saga is for you, when I cut through the despair: I’ll come and help you too.

Let’s make this road as bloody as possible.

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~ by l on April 11, 2008.

3 Responses to “Shut-In: Prologue”

  1. If people don’t get it, fuck em. Right in the fucking ear. And randomly, since you said shonen, now I have to listen to Shonen Knife and I totally blame you.

  2. LOL Love that word shonen, baby.

  3. Can’t go wrong with bloody roads…

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