Pu$$y!!


“Sick Slits from the Clit: The Pussyrant Not to Be Fucked With”
Cut by: Davita Cuttita

Ladies, here we go again.

I once had an experience with a gentleman with whom the topic of sex was quite hot-hot-hot: but mostly for him. Because you see: I’m celibate—totally celibate, as in no masturbation, no intercourse, nothing past perhaps a make-out session (and perhaps some titty grabbage). But I’m enjoying the fuck out of it. (Ha!) It’s just how I am; I made this decision when I was nine and found out what sex was.

Now, I knew this person for quite the short while before I met the Russian Lover-la-dah, but I don’t like leading a guy on to think he’s gonna get something he won’t until I’m good and ready; it’s simply not fair. I got a big-ass booty, overly-extrovert party attitude and 38C cup goin’ on and some guys just seem to get the impression that sex is on the menu when they look at me so I tend to make myself clear. Our conversation was quite heated so it was a “SO THERE!” kind of moment when I let him know.

Now, when I dropped this bombshell saying that the shit hit the fan is definitely a HUGE understatement. All of the “hey sexy”s and “you’re so beautiful”s suddenly took a backseat to what can only be described as a panic attack coming from his penis. “But you know that’s not normal. Everyone has sex,” he goes on. “Yeah, nothing wrong with that,” I reply. “Sex is a wonderful, beautiful, pure, natural thing in and of itself. I just prefer to wait is all.” This conversation continued for over an hour though; it was as if I told him I had three vaginas and he simply had to know more for the sake of science. I’m used to all the “you’re not normal” and “how do you ever expect to find a mate?” comments; they’re a dime a dozen this day and age. It doesn’t bother me at all: I answer questions and end up either making a new friend, educating someone on celibacy or on the odd occasion, finding someone else who shares my views.

But it got me thinking: Why is Pam (my vagina) so integral to a relationship?

It’s almost as if having a vagina is the equivalent to having a Mastercard—if you have a good time with someone they feel as though they should charge your pussy as some sort of compensation for time lost and with each passing date sans bumping uglies, you accumulate pussy interest more rapidly than a Chickenhead accumulates STDs. This may come as a surprise to some fellows, but I’m sure most girls can identify with the fact that our vaginas don’t take up a great portion of thought in our minds. Sure, there’s our periods and those delightful visits to the gynaecologists but c’mon! As I ride the bus to University or sit around in French class, furrowing my brow and drawing sighs from the professor with each vain attempt I make at understanding the lesson; mon vagin is definitely not on my mind but for some reason, society uses it to determine my worth as a person. Stay with me now ladies; do not misunderstand! This goes for all of us and has been going for all of us for a very, very long time. Let’s take a brief, historical look at things, shall we?

1. Lilith: Oh, that sassy Lilith! According to Biblical Myth, (emphasis on the myth! I am not a heretic, dear child) she was created before Eve but quarrelled with Adam since she wanted to be on top during sex. This got her cast out of the Garden of Eden so she went around doing the nasty with fallen angels and leaving behind demon spawn to haunt/hunt Adam and Eve’s descendants. Wonder who they could be?

She’s pretty much the source of just about anything bad and to top it all off, she also steals and eats babies. No seriously; look it up.

2. During the B.C Era it was oh-so-fashionable in many a community to be a virgin; you could have any man you wanted! Oh—sorry, I got that backwards. Any man that wanted you could have you. After vows and dowry were exchanged and the happy couple scampered off to sing the Song of Solomon all night long, the bride was to present the matrimonial sheet, stained with some blood to prove the deflowering had been her first. But hell, if there wasn’t any blood you could just get your money back!

I dunno about ya’ll but I’m pretty pissed that Pam is still basically the equivalent to a Mastercard in the 21st Century. If Pam was the equivalent to a Visa it’d be SO MUCH EASIER to get around! Am I right or what?! Oooh….tough crowd, tough crowd. *cough* Sand in the vagina, Madame?

Jokes aside; sure, it works out great for some ladies, breaking off a piece of pussy in exchange for some new shoes (Hmmmmnn….). I’m certain this occurs within married couples as well; I doubt it’s an exclusive non-married people practice.

If you put out “too much” people treat you like a billionaire that doesn’t know what to do with his fortune or like, oh, the WORST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE (See: Bitch, Whore). How dare you enjoy sex! That’s a man’s sport!

If you don’t put out at all, you’re looked down upon like the Scrooge McDuck of Fuck—how dare you keep all that va-jay-jay to yourself, you prude! Didn’t your parents teach you how to share?! You gotta “pay” a man to stay with you, afterall; that’s just how capitalism works!

IS YOUR PUSSY COMMUNIST!??!

Everyone who owns a pussy knows that it’s a DICTATORSHIP. I don’t tell it what to do, I just gotta follow along and police its behaviour but really; THAT’S ALL I CAN DO.

Is there a Happy Medium?

Uh…

Maybe. I suppose it depends on the kind of guy you’re with. Then again, bitches/dudes is crazy and will talk shit at any given moment behind your back.

“She totally slept with that guy. What a whore!”
“She’s still a virgin? (Laughter) What a LOSER!”

Nevermind.

I dunno what the rest of women are going to do and as far as I’m concerned most women don’t want to be saved from themselves. It’s why they diet excessively, sabotage other women, get plastic surgery, brutally criticize and humiliate other women in public, steal ideas from other women and basically live, breath, eat and sleep trying to fuck up (their own) shit taking while many people down with them as possible. So what I’m going to do is what I’ve been doing the whole time: I’m gonna do me and whoever doesn’t like it can “cough, spit and eat dick” (Thanks, Naeem of Spank Rock, which I LOVELOVELOVE!).

I’m serious.

CHARGE IT, MOTHERFUCKER! One punch to the cunt and a pistol whip for your manly-friend over there.

{Image courtesy of Pameland and all rights to Spank Rock ( & their label Big Dada) who are totally kick-ass and who’s song entitled “Pu$$y” was the inspiration for this article. You should check them out and loverz ‘um foreverneverz. You can start by clicking over there and getting yourself some B-O-O-T-A-Y}

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~ by davitacuttita on April 19, 2008.

2 Responses to “Pu$$y!!”

  1. haha, this explains a certain amount of traffic

  2. Ahahahah!

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