All Nine Billion Bajillion Calories

All Nine Billion, Bajillion, Delicious Calories
The Fatty Goodness Has Arrived!
Cut by: Davita Cuttita

whutchu lookin\' at?

LET’S TALK ABOUT FAT PEOPLE TODAY!

Because today, I stood up for fat people.

Now if you’re thinking “Well of course, fat people don’t stand! That’s why they’re fat!” all I have to say to you is SHUT UP, YOU FUCK—I SEE YOU!! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP.

Anyway, for the nice people still reading; it just so happened that I have a younger sister. She’s 19 and very skinny. Standing at about 5’8 and weighing 118 pounds, she typically wears a size three (or lower, depending on the make). I, on the other hand, am 5’7 and 130 pounds and typically I wear a size 7 (or 5, depending on the make).

I eat like a monster, she eats like a monster. I run for an hour four to five days a week; she doesn’t. We both don’t like salad that much.

“Wanna see something drastic?” she asked me as we finished watching Black Snake Moan and flipped the channel.

“Drastic like what?” I queried; obviously puzzled.

“Like, a drastic change,” she answered “It’s SO DRASTIC, you won’t believe it!”

She grabbed my laptop, logged onto facebook and began scrolling. She clicked the photo of a fat Black girl who seemed to be about 5’5 in height and close to 200 pounds. All the comments on her photos were extremely positive and full of “work it, girl!” and “you go, sexy” from various friends. Her clothes were bangin’, her hair was awesome; slicked back into a cute bun on the side with a neat part. Her skin was great.She looked so happy in all the pictures.

“What da problem is?” I asked, squinting; searching for a fault or a sign of “drasticness”.

“Well, look at her!” she screeched “She’s so fat now!”

“What’s wrong with that?” I said. My sister sighed heavily and searched for more pictures as I began to crave black cherry ice cream. “What? What is it?” my Mom asked. She was sitting in the other couch, changing the channel in an attempt to find another good movie. “Look at this! This girl is bigger than you!” she yelled, picking up my laptop and sitting by my Mom so she could see.

“Ooh…hmn…she IS bigger than me! What did she do to get so fat?” my Mom said.

“I DON’T know!” replied my sister, still tapping away on the touchpad, looking for more pictures of the girl.

“Really, I don’t see what the problem is. She looks fine to me, she’s cute” I said.

“NO!” yelled my mother and sister, grimacing in unison at the onslaught of fat black girl pictures.

I sighed. “Screw ya’ll, I’m gettin’ icecream.”

I got my precious, precious icecream which tasted like sweet deliverance. And black cherries!

Upon my return to the living room, my sister flipped the laptop around to reveal another photo of the girl to me. In this one, she was considerably less adipose, but still fat. I suppose most people would’ve called her “chubby” instead of “fat” at that point in her life. “Look! This is her when she was SIXTEEN, she’s NINETEEN now, how to do you go from that—” she pulled up a current photo of the girl posing in a dark purple gown. Looked like a wedding reception or prom. “…to THAT in three years? HUH!?”

“I dunno, who cares” I responded.

“Who cares? Who cares!? Yeah, if you wanna get diabetes and all that!”

“EXCUSE YOU!?” I said, pissed off. “Fat people and skinny people can get the exact same diseases. Skinny people can get diabetes, stroke and all that too.”

“Yeah, I know that but…” she trailed off and kept scrolling through the comments on the girl’s photos. All fantastic, not a negative word or punctuation mark in sight.

“But LOOK! People are encouraging her to be fat! They should tell her to lose weight!” she stated frantically.

“They’re not encouraging her; they’re just saying they think she looks nice. What’s wrong with that?” I countered.

“Well, they should tell her to lose weight!”

“No, they shouldn’t because its none of their goddamn business what someone’s doing with their body. Who are they to tell her what she should be doing!? You don’t want someone to tell you what to do with your body! This is my damn body, I’m stuck with it, so I don’t care what other people say, I’ll do what I want with it.” I finished, while putting more sweet, sweet deliciousness of iced cream cherry goodness in my mouth (yes, I love food!). My sister and mother finally quit their complaining and were silent.

This conversation made me realize something. When thin or averaged sized people look at fat people, they see disease; not a human being. It’s perplexing how marginalized they are and I can’t believe I have to say this but fat people are people too. Yes, they’re fat, OK, you don’t have to have sex with them or anything if you don’t want to; but at least treat them with respect.

Proper respect. Not the “Oh, you just have a disease, I pity you lose weight and get well soon and by well I mean acceptable by society’s bullshit standards.” The respect you’d treat anyone else with because hey, chances are you might or somebody you love might get fat some day. What then?

Then again, chances are you could be a superficial asshole who sees justification in all this shaming. Didn’t you read the beginning of my article!? I am preparing hamburgers to throw through your window! Not good ones either…like…ones filled with the secret sauce that gives you the shits. GIVES. YOU. THE. SHITS!!

I think looking at fat people is interesting. I like the picture at the top I saw on The Rotund (although some photoshop has been used.Hrm…). Yeah, even the promotional scare-tactics ones you see on the Discovery Channel. It’s just like….wow…how…how you doin’ that, body? How you doin’ that?

My co-conspirator and one of my best friends, Grandpa Dinosaur is fat. My mom is (fairly) fat. My (favourite) Aunt has always been fat. I loves um. They make me happy.They don’t have any weight induced problems.

My Grandpa was skinny. My Grandma was skinny. The first one died from heart disease (he went to the gym too! To “look at the ladies” as he used to say). The other from a stroke. I even lost my other grandmother to diabetes and she was average size.

My sister even has fat friends–more fat friends than me! But you could NEVER CALL THEM THAT. She’d get pissed; she yells at my Dad all the time about it.

“Hey, how’s your fat friend doing?”

“SHE’S NOT FAT!!” *spins head around like the girl in The Exorcist*.

Fat people? *taps mic* Fat people, can you hear me?

Look, I know some of you are stereotypes. You’re fat, smelly and lazy and eat lots of junk all the time. If some skinny people do it all the time, why can’t you? Do you know what I have to say to you?

Nothing. Because its none of my business.

Fat people! Fat people…I know many, many, MANY of you aren’t stereotypes. Some of you exercise, eat healthy and are still fat. Some of you don’t exercise and eat whatever want and are still fat, that’s fine–if skinny people (like my sister) do the same thing, why can’t you? Do you know what I have to say to you?

Skinless, fried, Chinese eggplant is delicious—especially if you put some beef or chicken in it. Also, I am in desperate need for some new running shoes…who makes a good brand without charging me out the ass for the hard work of Klik-Klak, the orphaned African boy who manufactured them? Poor, Klik-Klak!

Fat people! I know some of you are trying REALLY HARD to lose weight and hate yourselves/your fatness. Do you know what I have to say to you?

Life’s too short; don’t hate yourself! If you believe everyone in the world hates you it’s not true! I don’t hate you. Skinny people hate themselves too, no matter how thin they get! Why? Because the next day the media releases another reason for you to hate yourself or a new trend and then they stab themselves with that too. Like, if big tittays go outta style tomorrow (they have before!) and it stays that way for a while, don’t ya think all those women with fake silli tittays are gonna go get them removed?

I put my left ovary on that bet! Some thin people never stop with the plastic surgery until they become nightmarish mutants. You are not a plastic mutant that wants to eat my soul! No, you are only fat and sad, we all feel sad sometimes. There, there *pat, pat*. Life and people are can be cruel sometimes. Do you want me to go beat um’ up for ya?

However, if losing weight is what you wanna do, I can’t stop you but eat more than 800 calories a day and don’t over-exercise and try to avoid people who want to chop your tummy to pieces for money. Secret sauce does that for free! I know! Get some nice clothes, good food and go out and do something you love with somebody.

At the beginning of April, a few friends of mine reminisced over the school year and decided to celebrate its end together in one of the on-campus pubs. We got two pitchers of beer, a big plate of nachos with everything (but they were out of chilli! Blaspheme!) and onion rings. We are all basically the same size. Me and my other girlfriend dug into the onslaught of deliciousness while the other picked nervously around the nachos, seeking a chip not covered in cheesy, salsay or cream-cheesy goodness.

“What’s wrong?” I asked “Are you on a diet?”

“Yeah, what’s the matter?” replied my other girlfriend, thoroughly enjoying the food and beer.

“Yeah…I’m kinda watching what I eat…” she said hesitantly.

“Why? What’s wrong with you?” I said (I say this because I have a friend with diabetes who has no choice but to watch what he eats).

“Well…” she continued nervously.

“What? You don’t wanna get fat? Whatever, just eat the food!” I commanded.

“You can say that! There’s nothing wrong with you!” she snapped.

“I know!” I replied enthusiastically “Your loss,” I sighed shrugging and reached for a cluster of nachos covered in EVERYTHING. I slowly picked it up, careful not to drop any toppings.

“Eew!” she cried out as my other friend laughed. Smiling, she raised her cup to me and reached for her own “nirvana” nacho.

“Gimmie this!” I said in my bitch voice, raising it to my lips “All of it…all nine billion, bajillion, delicious calories!”

It was so good.

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~ by davitacuttita on May 2, 2008.

15 Responses to “All Nine Billion Bajillion Calories”

  1. […] nonetheless to remind me the entire universe is not aligned against me. First, there are posts like this one at the blog Pregnant Drug-Dealing Prostitutes that both made me giggle and reassures me the entire […]

  2. I love you

    : )

  3. I fuck’ling bloody love this (and by extension, you).
    Now I want nachos.
    Sushi nachos.
    Sushi nachos dipped in sesame-based sauce of yu,/

  4. That was meant to be ‘yum’, but ‘yu’ works too.

  5. I think I love you.

  6. Rock on.

  7. Hi everybody! I luverz you all too! ^_^

    Where is a plate of celebratory nachos and pitchers of beer when you really need them?

  8. This post was gorgeous and it made me smile all the way. It so reminds me of my arguments between relatives and friends and me.
    And I’m fat. The only bad health issues I have are chronic anaemia (something that also happens to anorexic people or those who don’t have a balanced diet) and anxiety/stress/depression (something that happened to Ally McBeal too, and to that girl from Dawson’s Creek who didn’t exactly look like Beth Ditto). No diabeetus nor cholesterol nor teh heart-atacks. I actually knew a girl who lost loads of weight because of having the wrong dose of levotyroxin (she has hypothiroidism) and she had a pre-stroke. Some of us think she had amphetamines too, but oh well.
    You fucking rock. And your blog title is the best ever. You shall be added to my RSS. 🙂

  9. Hey, Cyn

    Sorry to hear about your friend. Doctors can be screwy sometimes. Keep rockin’ your fat body, don’t let that anemia or anybody else getcha down–I’ll beat um up!
    Ooh! An RRS feed add! Thank you very much, Cyn! This is very much appreciated and makes me elated. This special occassion calls for the removal of my bra–get loose, girls!

    (*P.S: I fixed your comment’s typo for you; hope you don’t mind. ^_~)

  10. i read a lot of fa posts, but i’ve never commented in many. however, i really enjoyed reading this post; i love the angle of it!

  11. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!Plus I love the picture at the top!

  12. I looooooove this. And your blog title makes me snorf. In a good way. Nine million bajillion calories coming out of my nose, good times!

  13. Suiz–Thank you for commenting. I love hearing from people, it’s always appreciated.

    Meowser–Wait, a second…MEOWSER? Damn, you’re like a celebutant in the fatosphere; I’m honoured! Glad you liked the post n’ all; it brings warmth to me like a cup of brandy.

    Glad everyone’s lovin’ the post–I luverz you too!

  14. This is topic adjacent, but I think New Balance are mostly made in the US and not assembled by slave labor.

    And your post was lovely also.

  15. I found you.. I think from a link from the-f-word.. well from somewhere in the fatosphere, and I wanted to let you know that despite never meeting you, I think I might love you. hehe. 😀 Thank you!

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