The Everyman’s Guide to Black Women

The Everyman’s Guide to Black Women
How to (Properly) Appreciate a Sista

Cut by: Davita Cuttita

erykah badu

*Disclaimer: As I am not the Queen of Black People, use advice at your own discretion*

Whether you’re a Black brother, a brother of another colour or even a White guy, there is one thing I’m sure all men can agree on: the Black woman is a mysterious and puzzling being.

Of course, ALL women are mysterious and puzzling and tend to have their own unique ways of doing so. Perhaps if you too are female, this guide will allow you to have some more insight on your sisters of the chocolate persuasion. This, dear readers; is the Everyman’s Guide to the mysteriousness of Black Women.

1. HAIR

MEN: Under no circumstance, I repeat; NO CIRCUMSTANCE must you ever touch the Black woman’s hair; PERIOD. She spends far too much time and money getting it the way she wants and doesn’t want you dippin’ your damn fingers in and out of it like cheap coochie. If you wish to touch the Black woman’s hair you must first receive her express verbal permission although the most ideal situation in which to touch the Black woman’s hair involves one (1) witness as well as the written consent of the Black woman herself co-signed by said witness detailing the permission she has granted for you to touch her hair accompanied by a time and date stamp. After you have touched the Black woman’s hair the ONLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE IS “That’s nice, wow” or “It’s nice, I like it”.

I repeat: all other comments are UNACCEPTABLE. Never discuss the moment you were allowed to touch her hair ever again. Avoid asking if her hair is real or not; only appreciate it.

WOMEN: To avoid such a situation whereas you and your man are having a good time and he decides to touch your hair; make it clear in the beginning of the relationship. Couples spend a lot of their time talking about nothing like a bunch of senile old people—inevitably, you may discuss hair/hairstyles. Use this moment to say something like “I’d appreciate it if you don’t touch my hair EVER unless I say so”. Let your man know that it isn’t because you don’t like him; it’s simply a personal preference. Feel free to toss in a few jokes to lighten the mood if need be, but once the laughter is over, say “I’m serious” and end all discussion on the hair topic. If he complains; give him shit because maybe if he kept his damn mouth shut he woulda been able to touch some tittays. Ingrate!

2. A BLACK WOMAN IS…A BLACK WOMAN.

MEN: Perhaps for some of you, this is the first time you are dating a Black woman. If you are an interracial couple, you may find strangers staring. As your Black woman gets to know you and becomes more comfortable she may discuss the racism she experiences (or has experienced) or notices with you. Remain calm, this is not a personal attack on you and since she is discussing this topic; it means she has grown to trust you a bit. Should you ever find yourself in this situation; the following will save your life and make your Black woman like you more.

· LISTEN TO HER! Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE brush off or ignore the concerns of your Black woman! Do not make her feel guilty for bringing up these concerns or deflect her attention to them to yourself because these concerns are valid. Once again, talking about racism or discrimination is not a personal attack on you! This is about her feelings and apprehensions.

· BE HONEST! If you do not understand her feelings/concerns in regards to racism; SAY SO! An acceptable line may be “I hear what you’re saying and I know it makes you feel {insert emotion}, I feel that way, too. But I’ve never experienced racism before myself. Please, explain it to me a bit more because I want to try and understand your problem better because I care about you.”

· DO NOT BE COLOURBLIND! If you really and truly care for your Black woman AVOID AT ALL COSTS saying things such as:

—> “You’re not like those OTHER Black people”: This line implies that bad traits are inherent only to Black people and somehow your girl “got lucky” and didn’t inherit them. This is a RACIST thing to say since ALL people are capable of ignorance, bad deeds, etc.

—> “I don’t care that you’re Black/I don’t see a Black girl when I look at you, I only see a girl”: Do not pick and choose what parts of your Black woman are worthy of acknowledging! If she were a White, Asian, Hispanic, Indian or Native woman, her personality, history and identity as a person would be completely different because one’s skin colour, culture and heritage shapes one’s upbringing, life experiences and personality as well as their degree of historical and systematic discrimination. These experiences have sculpted your Black woman’s individuality. If you truly care for your Black woman; you must accept and cherish ALL of her identity as a human being.

WOMEN: Do not be angry with your man AT FIRST if he has said any of the above. Understand that he has not been through the same things as you have and by saying those things; he did not mean to purposely hurt your feelings or offend you. A lot of White people learn that looking at another person’s race is a bad thing; i.e. “There’s no race but the human race” or “He’s not your Black friend, just your friend” so in a (horrible) way; he was only trying to be nice and polite. Be patient and try to explain to your man why the things he said are offensive and finish off with a strict warning. If necessary, tell him never to say them again; if he listens to you and acknowledges what he said was wrong he will know not to repeat them. If he still doesn’t take you seriously after more than a maximum of three (3) attempts; GIVE HIM HELL.

REMEMBER: You too share a responsibility in this! Do not paraphrase any of the above phrases (i.e. “You’re not like those OTHER White people”) and avoid going into racist diatribes on any ethnic group. We all get pissed sometimes but we gotta try and keep our anger in check and in reasonable perspective.

3. SEX

MEN: Black women with pride and self-value are not easy to bed and will want the men in their lives to earn their trust and treat them respectfully and caringly before breaking you off a piece. Some Black women are not very open to certain sexual acts such as cunnilingus (damn, that’s hard to spell!), anal or salad tossing. To some, that shit is straight up nasty and scary as hell. Imagine waking up at 3AM with Freddy Kruger pulling some Jenna Jameson stunts on your cock–yeah, it’s THAT kind of scary.

NEVER force a Black woman to do something she does not want to or berate her. Making statements such as “But I thought all Black girls were freaks?” is good for one (1) kick to the balls.

Verbally inform her of what you enjoy and do not enjoy BUT also ask the same of her and do your best to DELIVER. If you are in a happy and healthy relationship, the Black woman will be more than happy to fulfill any sexual requests she is comfortable with; even without prompting. Do the same for her and try to maintain focus on sexual acts you both enjoy. Be sure to go get tested TOGETHER and use protection regularly. Also, be sure to ask her of her views on child-rearing/abortion if you’ve been getting it on regular enough because hey; nobody wants to have an “oopsie” without a back-up plan that doesn’t involve a coat hanger. Have the same discussion again once an unexpected pregnancy occurs to make sure you’re both still on the same page. All of the above applies to couples waiting until marriage/who are married too.

Should you accidentally knock-up your Black woman; consult Chris Rock IMMEDIATELY!

Chris Rock has already talked abortion wisely in his stand-up show Never Scared. In that clip, the man pointed out the ONLY ACCEPTABLE phrase you may say when a woman’s pregnant: “So, whutchu goin’ do?” He goes on to say one must NEVER SUGGEST AN ABORTION. Why? Because if said Black woman changes her mind; chances are she may resent your ass forever and talk smack about you to the kid. Now, you’ll end up with two (2) very dangerous things: an angry Black woman and an even angrier (mixed) child that knows you wanted him/her dead. Take the man’s advice.

***Also, it is important to note that in some Black cultures (like mine), the vast majority of women and the community view abortion as an indescribably offensive act and extremely taboo. ***

You do not want to cross this line!!

WOMEN: Do not crack under pressure! BE CLEAR on what you enjoy and do not enjoy and only commit sexual acts you are comfortable with doing. I will reiterate—get tested together and use protection/birth control regularly and be sure to have a back-up plan you’ve discussed with your man in case of an unexpected pregancy. Go over the plan with him again should it ever occur. For any other advice, please consult the Man Manual located in the words of your girlfriends and mother.

4. MEETING THE FAMILY

MEN: When you meet the girl’s family, chances are; YOU WILL BE SURROUNDED BY BLACK PEOPLE. This is no cause for alarm. Remain calm, smile and shake hands firmly with her father (and any other males) and hug her mother and grandmother(s). Do not talk on and on, typically Black people do not like when other people can’t shut the hell up and let them speak. Say what you mean and make any explanations you may have to make as blunt, brief and truthful as possible. Relax.

At no point must you shy away from anything or become too quiet or distant.

Remember: Fathers can smell fear.

If there is food available, a gracious host will often tell you what it is beforehand and will often ask of your preferences/familiarity with what is being served. If you are allergic to/do not eat something for religious or personal reasons; kindly decline and ASK for something else—eating is mandatory; it means you are not “above” their food. Compliment everything you eat and the Chef (even if it isn’t that great). Once you are done eating; ask whomever is in charge of clearing up if they require your assistance and although they may initially refuse out of politeness; INSIST and do everything in your power to aid them with the cleaning until they dismiss you. When you are being dismissed, ask them if they are sure your help is no longer required. They will inevitably say YES and in such circumstance, thank them graciously again for the meal.

Spending the rest of the evening getting to know her family by politely mingling, looking at family photos, and asking questions is a must; do not be an asshole.

If you are meeting Jamaicans, I suggest you bring a twelve pack of Guinness Extra Stout as a peace offering. Also, never pass by (in a small space)/step over the outstretched legs of another person without first saying “Excuse me, please” and allowing them the oppurtunity to move or grant you permission to pass by. Failure to do so is extremely BAD FORM.

WOMEN: Try not to surprise your family with your man; inform them he is coming. If food is served, attempt to share out his food or tell whomever is in charge of food distribution what he does and does not enjoy eating—you should be familiar with his preferences by this point. If not, ask him before going to meet the family. Brief him on proper conduct, speech, mannerisms, food, etc to help neutralize the possibility of him offending your folks. If you are going to meet his family; you too must be sure to ask about their customs, what they eat, appropriate attire, proper mannerisms and gestures; and so on beforehand even if your man is White because the way a White American acts and what he considers polite and appropriate can be completely different from that of a White German man, Frenchman, etc.

IN CONCLUSION

Dating a Black woman has its ups and downs, just like all other relationships. Typically, (not always) Black women come with a moderate to large bust, thick thighs, full lips and a big ass which (unless she has money) tend to be completely authentic as many Black women do not care for plastic surgery. This is a bonus for those seeking authentic T&A. Her eye-colour or hair maybe fake but hair is always off-limits for touching anyway and no man is thinking of touching a Sista’s eyeballs when she’s walking around looking hot n’ sexy. Women; if he is thinking of touching your eyeballs, call the police.

The man is a serial killer.

As with any other woman, do not stereotype her; as this too is good for one (1) kick to the balls. Acknowledge her being completely, question her, listen to her and take her seriously, laugh with her, respect her, compliment her, care for her needs, fight with her, make-up with her, don’t touch her hair and love her. That is all.

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~ by davitacuttita on June 1, 2008.

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