“Why it’s so typical for Asian People to not marry Outside their Race?”

COOL UPDATE: Thanks for the Links Restructure!

“Here is a good analysis of Asian American interracial dating & marriage:

Asian American Interracial Dating & Marriage (page 1)
Asian American Interracial Dating & Marriage (page 2)

The part two is about U.S.-raised Asian Americans, and shows that unmarried Asian American women are more likely to live with non-Asian men. The part two also discusses theories about why Asian Americans intermarry with Whites.”

– Restructure!

[Disclaimer:] This is some ugly truth. Now if you don’t want to hear this or you’re going to get mad, this is my understanding and what I have experienced. Please understand that I am reporting my findings and this is not a reflection of my views. This is heavy handed stuff, and I am a truthful and honest person. I don’t speak for all Asians or all Cambodians… I just speak of the things I see and try to explain things as comprehensively as I can.

Choose to ignore what does not apply to you. You’re smart enough to know if I’m talking about you or not. [/Disclaimer]

Would You Marry Me?
“Why it’s so typical for Asian People to not marry Outside their Race?”
By Grandpa Dinosaur

I’m writing this article for Davita Cuttita because she asked me to and I have knowledge about the subject being “Miss Arranged Marriage Information” when talking about Asian Marriage practices. I’ve been to Chinese Weddings, Cambodian Weddings, I’d like to go to a Korean Wedding and a Japanese Wedding, but I haven’t. I often bring Davita to weddings with me and we eat ten course wedding meals.

As for my qualifications: I’m an outsider in terms of Cambodian Society, but I am steeped in rigid Cambodian-Buddhist Culture and whilst the community may hate me and make swings at my head, I am almost an untouchable in the sense that I have committed no wrong in following the protocol of being a perfect Cambodian Woman and the epitome of what Cambodian men want as in a Canadian-Cambodian marriage arrangement. I have received over ten marriage proposals and have rejected all of them on the basis on “continuing education” and that’s the most I’ll talk about it for now. So you can question my authority all day, I’m just a person in the end.

Davita often asks me questions about Cambodian Culture and it’s really a “dive in head first and I’ll explain along the way” education, she’s traveled with me to Cambodian Events and has participated in Buddhist Holidays. I know know if Asian people want me to speak on their behalf, I know automatically anything I write that may reflect badly upon Asian Society will brand me a race traitor but so much ill-treatment of all races, genders and heartbreak that has resulted from this mentality makes me feel like I must explain it so people do not forget those who had to give up the ones they loved.

Davita Cuttita
asked me, “Why it’s so typical for Asian People to not marry Outside their Race?” What I say doesn’t reflect all Asian people, some Asian are remarkably forward and marry whoever the love regardless of being Asian or not.

The most backwards and cruel answer is what most people suspect, Asian people do not want to marry below their race class. Those who have this mindset have their own hierarchies who is below them, which races they cannot marry into based on long cultural wars. For example, and this is an example, Cambodian people have been to war with Vietnam for ages and are currently in a feud with Thailand over their land and religious temples and it would be a considered bad to marry into both races. Marrying a Thai or Vietnamese person would like marrying the enemy and said family/person would be stigmatized. Asian hierarchies are usually based on wars, betrayals from peoples of a certain race that has offended a ancestor or family member or the protection of the “Pureblood” of the family.

Essentially marry someone in you race that isn’t related to you. My father did, he travelled town to town to find a woman who wasn’t his relative and was a Pureblood as well. I know my family ancestry, one warrior, then all farmers ascended from him. He was awarded land from a King for serving well, and as a result our family has come into a lot of land that is rife with cultural artifacts, ruined temples and religious statues (some were stolen by invasive White foreigners, LOL). My father was exiled from the family for leaving for Canada, so we are no longer connected to that land. My family is of high respectability, aside from my father’s more drunken and unsavoury moments, and of Pureblood.

“Pureblood. Pureblood. I’m like a Pure-blooded Pokemon,” semi-quoting a favourite anime podcast of mine. Actual, the original quote is “Noble blood, Blood Noble.”

Have I said that enough, I’m a Pureblood. I’m not like… All Lucius Malfoy about it, but it’s who I am. I’m ashamed about how my ancestors have acted towards my father and his mother (long story), but not of my pureblood. It’s almost a genetic fluke.

I remembered sitting for lunch with two of my White friends and an Asian friend, and my two friends were joking around about how they were mutts and they asked us how we felt and my Asian (Chinese) friend both looked at each other and looked at each other and both said at the same time: “We’re Pure-bloods.”

And the two White girls just faltered, and wilted a bit… That’s why I don’t talk about being Pure-blooded. I don’t believe is racial superiority, it’s hard to explain to non-mixed and anti-racist and say, “I’m pure-blooded.” It almost seems like I’m perpetuating the stigmata. Like when people marrying non-white as an testament of their anti-racist sentiments.

Having Pureblood for Asians has a lot to do with social standing, their respectability within the Asian communities and they and their descendants would have to carry the “shame” of being mixed-blood. My father and mother are changed now, they’re more understanding of other people beliefs but they still have tradition values.

My mother was with a little half-Cambodian, half-Black girl who asked her, “Mean (Auntie), why do I look like my mommy (Cambodian) and not like my brother (Black Don King hair, Cambodian face)?”

“The piece that was cut for you fell to your mother’s side.” My mother replied, thus the daughter takes after the mother. (It’s a Cambodian expression.)

But what about White people, Japanese people. Again, perceptions of race come into perspective, history, class and money. You could marry up when marrying White or Japanese, “but they never treat their women right. Not as good as a (Asian Race).” And there are the exceptions, the reasons Asians come up to make you not marry out.

This is the toughest part of my article, I don’t want to write about it but I have to. To some Asians and to the most rigid, traditionalists marrying a Black or Spanish man is like marrying down and is almost like asking to be assassinated. If you thought being a race traitor was bad enough marrying a Black person or Spanish person can sometimes be the equivalent of becoming Hitler.

I remember going to a Cambodian New Years and my father introduced me to a plump, motherly, but worn out girl my age (which at the time was 19-20) and said, “[Grandpa Dinosaur]! This is [Lisa], your childhood friend! She has a baby now, a MEXICAN baby.” Poor [Lisa] was turning red in the face as my father LITERALLY kept saying MEXICAN BABY! MEXICAN BABY! (Like a Pokemon!) in front of the poor, single mother’s face… I was like, no way! This girl is TOO FAT to be [Lisa]! <=no better

For the next 30 minutes, you can imagine what my father was saying. But I turned too look at [Lisa] as she was caring for her baby and noticed how badly people were treating her, and even though she had fallen to the side that was against me for being “too superior than everyone else” and ostracized me, I felt genuinely bad for her and held no grudge.

Now you wonder who the hell my dad is, he’s a tough, mean, drunken, silly moon-chasing man who has been exiled from his family and is shell-shocked from the Cambodian genocide, I almost hold no ill will towards him. I understand him… But it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, I don’t and won’t defend him when I know he’s wrong. He treats me well enough, and even though he never knew how to raise children due to being given away as a slave hand on a farm and not knowing how to raise girls as all three of his sisters died young during the war, he did his best. Davita Cuttita, add whatever you want if you want to or delete this sentence. (My unprofessionalism is showing!)

I understand where traditional Asian values come from, but I don’t condone them. I’m not above anyone, I’m just some washed-up street fighter, trying not to be crushed by traditional Asian Society.

My brother got married to a Cambodian woman through arranged marriage. Do you know why? He needed someone who could cook for him. My sister-in-law is Cambodian-Chinese, raised in Cambodia from a Aristocratic family that suffered during the war. In a way he married up, but still: “she’s part Chinese, but she’s from an Aristocratic family. [Grandpa Dinosaur] will marry a Pure-blooded Cambodian man.”

In comparison, my sister-in-law has confessed she can’t match my level of traditional Cambodian grooming, despite being from Cambodian and being a REAL Cambodian despite the fact I am born Canadian born. Even though she’s seen as the Golden Bride and the image of a perfect arranged marriage partner. She thanks god and Buddha that mother is so kind and understanding of her.  My sister-in-law was fortunate to marry into a family of good reputation and standing… But she married my brother, so I don’t know how good it is.

From birth, I have been groomed to be a bride. After all, my cruel mother-in-law would not balk when I faltered. My mother spared no kindness. I became an Ultimate Bride.

Never going outside too late with unsavoury types, educated with good self-direction, knew how to run a household like a business, could cook, clean, sew. I was well versed in Cambodian etiquette and never faltered (although I did at first) at social pressure and held appearances (unless I was real mad) and played a good daughter. There was no way to compete, my sister-in-law who goes out more often than I often tells me she feels stifled by my fathers traditional rules and expectations. My brother wonders how I endure my father’s expectations and his demands and how I never get mad at him.

My friends call me the Goddess of Filial Piety and the Boddhisatvas of Patience.

It’s not all an act, I kind of became obsessed with becoming the PERFECT BRIDE until I came into the age of reason.

Social standing, respectability… It’s very important… Even growing up in Canada and never touching Cambodian soil, I know the deep values and traditions and the stigmatism that comes from marrying wrong. It’s the hardest to be the bride that could be the wrong choice. I’ve had a lot of proposal… One man had fallen so hard for me and HAD to have me that he came to my father and asked for my hand in marriage. Why? I was so dedicated to my family and household that I never left left home, only to go to school and go food shopping. Actually, I was a Hikokimori. ;—; He was rejected by my angry father (“ONLY I GET TO CHOOSE HER HUSBAND!”) and is now married to a woman from Cambodia.

I enjoy being the perfect bride in my eyes, I cook delicious meals for friends and bake cakes on special occasions. I use my sewing skills to cosplay and only use my cleaning skill when I want to. My social pressure endurance skills I use to show off how cool I am. I have no intentions of getting married though.

When it comes to my choice… I couldn’t marry at all… I couldn’t marry into a cold and traditional family, nor could I fully embrace Western values. I can’t see myself married to a Cambodian man, White man, Black man… I’d rather not marry at all. I can’t see myself happy in marriage and to tell you the truth, I’ve been a traditional Cambodian woman so long that I near have lost my humanity.

I do remember a comment left by a commented said something like, “if a woman endures indignity, her soul doesn’t disappear…” but it doesn’t make it right. I… I’m not trying to be anti-Asian. I’m not trying to be a race traitor, but when I see these things it makes me sad.

We women, men, should not tolerate things because our souls endure. We should not treat our souls, our lives that we lead lightly.

I have a lot to live for and I don’t live for love, I’ve given up on a lot of things. And life isn’t one of the things I’ll ever give up. I’ll burn up my passionate youth everyday. I’ll be fine.

If I have put myself at risk for being so honest about this topic and I do get killed, I don’t regret it.

I am like Raoh. King of Fists.

“I have no regrets.”

I live my life as best I can and fight to prevent a future that I do not want to see.

But I still have a lot to do, and I won’t die yet.

I want to hand the poor children of the future an umbrella full of sunshine.
That is my reason for living.

True, pure, merciful love is so rare and precious. My heart goes out to everyone who had to separate due to race, due to parents, family unable to accept them into their family.

It shouldn’t be “so typical for Asian People to not marry Outside their Race.” It shouldn’t. Races shouldn’t constantly be jousting for racial superiority, we shouldn’t protect and covet or lineage’s so cruelly. We shouldn’t perpetuate these thoughts, we should have an open mind and love as it comes. And forgive and show mercy and compassion.

I’ll end this article with two of my favourite songs.

This was a hard article to write, but these songs kept the words pumping.

What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong

And to the love I’ve given up and for the fight I continue…

And one of my favourite “thought contemplation” and “I will keep living song,” Ashita Hareru Kana, by Keisuke Kuwata

And this will be the theme song for rest of my life:

What a thrill…
With darkness and silence through the night
What a thrill…
I’m searching and I’ll melt into you
What a fear in my heart
But you’re so supreme!

I give my life
Not for honor, but for you

Snake Eater
In my time there’ll be no one else
Crime, it’s the way I fly to you
Snake Eater
I’m still in a dream, Snake Eater!

Someday you go through the rain
Someday you feed on a tree frog
This ordeal, the trial to survive
For the day we see new light!

I give my life
Not for honor, but for you

Snake Eater
In my time there’ll be no one else
Crime, it’s the way I fly to you

Snake Eater
I’m still in a dream, Snake Eater!


~ by l on September 1, 2008.

7 Responses to ““Why it’s so typical for Asian People to not marry Outside their Race?””

  1. Thank you for posting this, it was… i want to say “fascinating”, but that sounds like i’m being all anthropologist about it. I’m not awake enough to know the right word. But it was good. Yes, good fits.

    One of the reasons i found it interesting is because i’ve known a fair amount of Asian women who specifically chose to marry or date non-Asian men. On the rare occasions when it came up in conversation, the answer i always seemed to get was that they didn’t want to marry a man who looked like their father. The first time it happened, i wondered if it was because they had a bad relationship with their father. After the second and third time, i started to wonder (and i wish i’d had the nerve to ask) if it was because they’d been born and raised in America, and if their father was the the only (or perhaps, primary) Asian man they’d really known.

    Total side note: If you like “What a Wonderful World”, you’ll know that it’s been covered a whole bunch of times, and most people just can’t do it justice. There’s only been one person i’ve ever heard sing it RIGHT, and every time i hear it, i get all throat-chokey and mooshy: Over The Rainbow/Wonderful World, by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (fondly referred to as Bruddah Iz).

  2. Here is a good analysis of Asian American interracial dating & marriage:

    Asian American Interracial Dating & Marriage (page 1)
    Asian American Interracial Dating & Marriage (page 2)

    The part two is about U.S.-raised Asian Americans, and shows that unmarried Asian American women are more likely to live with non-Asian men. The part two also discusses theories about why Asian Americans intermarry with Whites.

  3. Lindsay:
    I hope it was comprehensive enough… It’s a hard subject to be truthful, I’m awaiting the landslide of “you’re a race traitor!”

    LOL I know a lot of White women who don’t want to marry a man like their father and they do it. XD No, I’m teasing. I’m aware of the “not wanting to marry my Asian father”-ness that is also rising. I think other Asian women will answer differently when asked because there are a lot of reasons and also women do have preferences in a spouse. A friend of mine went to a marriage meeting, she said the guy was a robot! LOL

    Me, I know lot’s of Asian men, but I still feel I don’t want to marry regardless of race.

    OMG! XDDDD Thanks for the link.

    Oops I didn’t realize comment moderation was back.

    I just tried to explain why Asian’s didn’t date outside their race, almost all my entries are based on experience and what I have seen. I didn’t read any research (bad of me?) but I will read these articles now because I didn’t know they existed. It’s not really based on why Asian men and women dated out of their race, so that is not discussed nor do I feel like discussing it. Why? I’m lazy and unprofessional.

  4. Oh, I know that you’re talking about something different, but I was providing links more for non-Asian people. I know you’re not talking about me, but there may be white people who are reading this and might interpret your post as some kind of anthropological text or something. I don’t trust the average white person to be competent enough to make the distinction between one Asian’s experience and all Asians’ experiences.

  5. [Restructure!:]

    LOLLL I know what you mean, the disclaimer is usually not enough. I should add you links into my post and be all: If you want to read statistics and research on Asian Marriage with Asians and Non-Asians in North America read said text!

    I’ll do it right now, will credit. muwahhh…

  6. Also, I’m not saying it’s your fault, because anything people of colour do will be interpreted as representative of our race. The links are more for Lindsay who said,

    My first experience taught me that some cultures won’t approve of me dating amongst them because of my whiteness. I generally took that to mean that crushes were okay, but dating Philippinos was just a no-go because their families wouldn’t approve.

    Although 9.2% of Filipino American men marry White Americans, 36.0% of U.S.-raised Filipino American men marry (U.S-raised) White Americans, so it’s not impossible for a white woman to marry a Filipino man, and you shouldn’t limit yourself based on one bad experience. It depends on the person, and if the person is influenced by his parents, it also depends on the parents.

  7. [Restructure!:]
    I added the links anyway because there should be some sort of real statistics and research in this article anyway. There should be some “proof in numbers” in this article.

    Don’t mind me, I’m a bit air-headed (deadlines) and taking care of the blog while Davita moves into her dormitory.

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