Secrets & Lies: It’s like… Batman Hardcore

batmanlee

Secrets & Lies
It’s like… Batman Hardcore
Grandpa Dinosaur

You want to know the truth.

I hate sharing my personal thoughts, dreams, experiences with other people. I hate exposing my true self to others, my secrets. I want to keep them all to myself. Many people don’t think I lie, when I do lie, it’s to hide that self about me I hate to share with others.

Why? That’s part of the secret.

You know some people like privacy, people like me.

But today I’m going to tell you what I think. What I really think. When the guise of Buddhism drops and I’m a person who needs Buddhism but know I gotta lay down the law with my fists.

But no secrets. Because… I’m a person of consistency because it reinforces my integrity. And if it didn’t… I sure as hell wouldn’t be consistent. I’m practical and everything I do has a reason, the hand I hold a cup to the way and the side I drink from it. Got to be consistent. I hate inconsistency.

You are proably not going to like me today. You are going to see a glimpse of what I hide behind that indifference. That apathy.

Guess what, I don’t give a rats ass about what people thinking of me unless I’m trying to camouflage and get people to leave me the F-alone.

You know, sometimes you got to keep things to yourself, and why not. I don’t see why everyone’s got to know my business. There are things I’ve done that nobody knows about.

There are things I am thinking that I am never going to share, opinions I don’t want to give. I don’t want to explain why, because that’s part of the secret. I let people think I’m stupid, it’s better than telling them my secret. If I tell them why, it’s not a secret. People don’t get obvious things like that. That’s why I have to lie, the truth is sometimes harder to see than a lie. You can clarify a lie, wrap up a sentence in a second. Also it helps to act like you’re not lying and believe you own words. Which is part of the danger, hey… Danger.

Lying is so easy. I can do it in my sleep. But I fucking hate lying, I hate people who lie. My brother lies and talks shit about everything, so you better believe I hate the fucking shit out of him. I’d prefer to be honest and have that fuck me over than lie, and have that fuck up my integrity, that fucks up my character. And I love my character, you better believe I love my character because I love me and I love the person I’m trying be. That’s who I am. The kinda person I am.

People think if you act a certain way it’ll give away that you’re lying. I purposely act a certain way so people cannot pick up the cues when I am lying, reason for the mayhem. I really save those lies though. Part of a lie is reinforcing it, making it a reality. The problem with lying is that if you lie too much, it might become a reality. People lie to themselves all the time, and damn… I lie to myself when life is shit too. Don’t we all.

I’ve lied to a lot of people, I lied to the police. I’ve lied to teachers. I’ve lied to my parents. I’ve lied to my friends. My best friends. And myself.

I hate lying, but I’ve got secrets. Secrets that require me to lie until the day I die.

I put on a lot of airs, wear fancy clothing, high quality stuff. Black dress pants, a nice, shirt covering my body. (Arms too.) It usually slips that I’m not the ultra nerd people think I am. Even then, I’m a good worker. Nothing really bad slips through until I see someone I don’t like… And then… You can imagine the shit that flies. But it makes life easier, makes if easier to hide. Keep things separate and easier to keep the wrong people from knowing stuff about you they don’t need to know.

I find when you’re a nerd, people really want to believe that you do the typical stuff that nerds do.

That makes me LAUGH.

Girls, the girl’s especially think because I’m a nerd/geek, think I have low self-esteem.

Let me tell you, I have no problems with my self-esteem. I hear all these girls talk about low self-esteem and I… Try not to get involved.

I’m really tired.

Because damn girls, you’re giving me issues I never knew I had. Getting old, I don’t give two rats asses. Getting married, not my priority. Having a boyfriend. The heck? I’m GAY, a lesbian. But I’m not going to blurt it out, I don’t even give a shit if people know. I don’t even want people to know, that’s my business. Being fat, I ate two mama burgers at A & W. Do you think I care? Nobody likes me? Hell, I don’t even like you? Why you talking to me?

[Edit:] Before anyone misinterprets: It’s not that I don’t care about people or about girls who have low self-esteem, I don’t care if someone tries to destroy themselves about something that should not be an issue nor do I want to participate in someone’s self-hatred festival.[/end]

I don’t get girls.

I don’t want to be like other girls.

I don’t want to be “girly,” even though I like pink and frill, I’m still macho and eating nachos.

That’s something obvious. These are some of my thoughts. I haven’t shared any of my secrets though.

I like my secrets and I hate my secrets, but I love that they’re my secrets.

They’re the only thing I have control of. The secrets that I’ll take to me grave. Secrets that define who I am.

And then you get to thinking…

How horrible do these secrets got to be?

Pretty horrible.

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~ by l on January 24, 2009.

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