Bisection: Bisexuality and my Lesbian Life

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Bisection
Bisexuality and my Lesbian Life

Written Grandpa Dinosaur

Many people. Many rude people ask me, “why did you have to become a lesbian? Why can’t you be bisexual?”

You don’t know how many people wish that I would wake  up one day and become a bisexual (or straight). It’s pretty obvious they want me to be straight. I used to be bi (as a twelve year old), but then I realized I just liked girls. I didn’t like guys at all. By the time I was 14 I knew I was a lesbian, but I wasn’t open about it. Even now, only people who need to know do. I talk about my sexuality to a very small audience and I hope it stays small because I don’t want my business to be everyone’s gossip but again, I believe that coloured people should not be afraid to talk about their sexuality.

I like my privacy, I don’t want my family or my friends to become a part of my love affairs. I want to have a romantic life that is far removed (and can be removed) from my personal life, but I also feel that I have to represent the side of my sexuality which is not often seen. Especially as a coloured person.

I’m meeting and talking to a lot more coloured lesbians, it’s a new experience. Pardon my pun, but it’s a very closeted experience to see Western homosexuality/bistexuality/transexuality. I don’t feel like I fit in, or I belong. I don’t share the same ideas about being “out,” nor do I feel it’s my duty to be friends with every single person who’s a gay/lesbian.

I was talking to Davita over msn about writiing this article, “when it comes to sexuality I kinda don’t care what people do in the dark with the lights off is their own damn business(…)”

Which is why I’m writing about this subject, because it’s my business. It’s not important to me, but being a lesbian effects me and how people treat me.

Why is this about bisexuality and lesbianism? Why write about this subject. If anything, I felt more pressured growing up to be bisexual, rather than to be a lesbian. Many people wanted me to be bisexual, mostly guys. People wanted me to give guys a chance because they wanted me to be more straight than lesbian… And I just wasn’t attracted men. And so I became a lesbian and I’m much more happier.

I never had trouble finding a guy who liked me, I just was never attracted to men. I went out some guys, but I was never really as happy or enjoying myself as I did with women. I never wanted to have sex with a man the same way as a woman. And plus, I found myself wanting women. I felt more like myself. I still like yaoi/slash/menslove, but actual flesh and blood men. I don’t like men.

It’s also because my family is very sexist. I’ve come to terms with this. It’s very true and it’s not going to change for a long time. I don’t to be restrained to such a tight, confined lifestyle by being married to a man in a traditional family.

So why even write an article about bisexuality? Why does bisexuality effect me? I was finding in a lot of circles I was in the people either wanted bisexuals to choose sides or were advocating respect for bisexuals to be bisexuals. While I respect a bisexual’s choice to love both sexes, if fucking annoying to figure out if they will date you. I hate about the “just choose” mentality, but I understand where it comes from.

I’ll be very honest that it’s hard for me to get along with bisexuals. The bisexuals I spend time around are more the type to be a bisexual if the woman is a gorgeous, model beautiful woman than a average Joy like me. Even more when the bisexual I am meeting more often are the kind that have a long history of dating men, rather than women. It’s not to say the female bisexuals I hang around are not attracted to women, they just don’t act on their desires they would with a man. It’s almost like—Do you guys always wonder who I hang out with?

Myself, it’s still trial and error meeting girls. I find it hard to date bisexuals my age (23) and easier to date lesbians four to ten years my senior. Mostly because they’re not debating their sexuality, they will date you. (I know what you’re going to say, but I love older women. LOL) I understand being bisexual, you’re attracted to both men and women, but it’s a bit frustrating as a full on lesbian. I’m meeting more female bisexuals who lean towards women on the internet, rather than real life. I acknowledge their presence, but

I find it hard to compete with a girl for when there’s a guy that she’s crushing on. I’d rather compete with other girls. It’s okay if said bisexual isn’t attracted to me, but yeah… Trying to date bisexuals my age has been a full miss across my board. I have had no success. I’ve tried to ask bisexual women who date lesbians what I’ve been doing wrong (online and in real life) and I’ve gotten nothing but rudeness, as if I’ve asked them why they are fat. “Oh, it’s your fault. I’m a bisexual who’s dating a lesbian.”

All I can think is, “J. Jonah Jameson, please don’t kill me! I didn’t mean to be rude!!”

One person said, “what’s the difference with dating a bisexual and dating a lesbian. If you’re asking a lesbian out, you’re competing with other girls.”

There is a difference. When you’re dating a female bisexual you are competing against the fact she might like men more than women, add on the fact that you’re competing with other men in a heterosexual environment. HARD! I find that girls have a romanticized aspiration of they want their guy to be like, and I can’t fill that role or fit into the role of a guy. I’m a girl who happens to like girls. I’m not a butch lesbian who dresses manly (well maybe) and likes women. Pursuing a lesbian who has a leaning towards men is like having a foot-race on the ocean.

When you’re competing with other girls… I dunno. I find it more… Acceptable. I don’t feel inferior because of my sex, I don’t feel I lost because I’m a woman. I might feel unattractive, but after you get blown off, who doesn’t?

Dating women is hard. I’ve been on break for a year mostly due to a bet (I’m WINNING) but believe me. I’m fucking happy right now, but I’m still a lesbian.

These days I feel the opposite of what my bisexual peers are feeling. I feel pressured to be heterosexual/bisexual only because people want me to marry a man and have “the wedding” and have a baby. I can do that AND be a lesbian because I live in Canada so I feel very lucky. Maybe I’ll have the baby, I don’t know.

I think it’s strange because I come off butch (I fight, drink hard liquor), but I’m more of a femme (I bake cakes, very supportive, girly when in a relationship). I act differently (show my true colours) behind closed doors and in privacy rather than in on the street in the daylight. I’m still very aggressive when it comes to asking people out, which is why I get the numbers. It’s good for me.

Would I date a bisexual when I win my bet? I’m not sure. I mean, I don’t know who I’m going to meet or if I’ll be stupid enough to keep doing the same thing and getting blown off by girls I like that aren’t into me. I’m a lesbian who likes to watch anime, sew, cook and bake cakes. I like myself. And I wanna keep dating girls who like me for me. Maybe I’ll meet a nice bisexual/lesbian girl who does give me the time of day and we like each other. That would be nice. I still want to be a lesbian. I’m happy being me.

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~ by l on February 27, 2009.

One Response to “Bisection: Bisexuality and my Lesbian Life”

  1. Sexual orientation is a matter of personal choice, the choices of lesbians and gays should be respected.

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