Interracial Lovinz

luversudownbebe

Interracial Lovinz
Sex, Scandal & Skin Colour

Cut by: Davita Cuttita

I’ve wanted to talk about interracial relationships for a long time and have now finally found the words. Yay!

The other day my Dad was talking to me about relationships and the topic kinda came up outta nowhere (my parents and I have discussed it numerous times before and they’re fine with it). My Dad used to be a ladies’ man back in the day and doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of so he’s EXTREMELY upfront and blunt about this subject matter which is good sometimes but “NO, I DUN WANNA HEAR THIS STORY, PLEASE STOP TALKING, LALALALALALALALAH!” at other times.

Anyhoo…

I think I was complaining about how annoyed I am when guys talk to me but can’t put a coherent sentence together (although I didn’t mention race).

“Well,” my Dad said “Sometimes when men get intimidated by women they say stupid things. I don’t blame you for getting upset though,” he continued.

“Back home, people tend to be more straight-forward no matter the colour of their skin because we’re all Jamaicans, we all speak Jamaican and are all familiar with the culture so we all know what things mean. Up here though, it’s harder because there’s all these different races and cultures so sometimes they want to talk to you, but they don’t know how to say it or even how to approach you; they want to be polite. You never know, maybe some White guy likes you but he just doesn’t know what to say,” he finished.

“’Hello, my name is BLAHBLAHBLAH’ would be nice,” I replied with attitude while giving my Dad a fierce side-eye.

In retrospect, I should probably retract that side-eye because my Dad seems to have a point and it got me thinking.

As far as I can see, there seems to be two main preconceptions that run through the mind of some White people that ask a person of an opposite race out.

1. The assumption that the person is “foreign”. A lot of people of colour have lived in the North Americas for HUNDREDS of years but for some reason, no one leaves this a blank slate until they talk to you and typically just assume you’re an immigrant.

2. The assumption that they may racially offend you when really, they just think you’re cute/have a nice ass/great tits/nice eyes/like your hairstyle/like your legs/want to touch your eyeballs, etc.

So what of coloured people now? Well, the only assumption I can think of at the moment is “Well, maybe he/she isn’t into [INSERT RACE], best not to ask and risk humiliating myself.” That apprehension at being rejected based on “preference” keeps many Coloured people nervous (and maybe even White people, who knows) or adds further neurosis to the already tense situation of  “YOUAREHOTPLEASECOMEOUTWITHME!!!”.

I have a confession to make.

Sometimes…sometimes I go on Craigslist and while I don’t post anything, I laugh at the advertisements.

This isn’t something I do all the time but it makes me laugh; I can’t help it. Some (all?) of the ads are OBVIOUSLY by perverts but the racial “preference” patterning is quite interesting.

During me and Grandpa’s anti-links phase earlier this year, we conducted a little experiment together. We created a “fake” Black girl by combining our personalities and interests, put up a brief ad saying we were open to dating all races and received over 112 e-mails (some with photos) in less than an hour. Mostly from middle-aged White guys and some South Indian, Asian and Black guys (in that order).

Wanna see some interesting stuff I found on Craigslist? Pay attention!! This is NOT a generalization of a population, or even something scientific or proven, OK? This is just CL shit for my area that I’ve found.

-Most White guys are looking for ASIAN girls and on occasion, Black girls. White guys are also waaaay more likely than any other race to list in their ad that they want a specific race (whatever it may be) and are extremely quick to follow that comment up with “sorry but that’s just my preference”. As an interesting aside, I found quite a few White guys who want XXL fat Black girls so…yeah. The thing I find disturbing hilarious about the XXL ads is not that they want a fat Black girl but that the ads are typically written in a pleading tone like this mofo is DYING and needs an ambulance or something. I even made a song for it! “Somebody please call 911! Big fat Black girl dun wanna gimme none!”

-The words “affectionately” used to describe Black women are typically “domineering”, “exotic” and my arch nemesis, “Nubian Queen/Princess”. Also, Black women from the Caribbean seem to be in the highest demand (they even make pathetic attempts at Patois!), followed by Black women from Ethiopia or Somalia. Conversely, there is no reference to African-Canadian women at all…strange.

-The used “affectionately” used to describe Asian women are typically “submissive”, “exotic”, “cute” and “petite/little”. Asian women are NOT fucking blow-up dolls. What…why does this stereotype even exist? I am just blind with rage everytime I see “Asian” and “submissive” put together–do these people know ANYTHING about Asian history at all?! What part of it is fucking submissive?! OK, I’m coming back to this issue one day, I promise you.

-East Indian women are becoming more “wanted” amongst White men and White women are becoming more “wanted’ among East Indian men.

-The few Asian guys on CL often have one-liners such as “Doesn’t anyone want an Asian man?” A few of the stereotypical pervy business execs also seem to have a thing for small-tittied White girls. Um…OK. You know, I desperately and direly need to get on this issue because you almost NEVER see Asian men being portrayed as hot and sexy or anything but fucking migrant workers, businessmen with bad English skills, “braggers”, IT people, or Kung-Fu Masters. OK, I admit I like the Kung-Fu Master thing but I am in extreme anger at the lack of Asian men in the media. I hate to say this but it’s like they’ve been fucking castrated by this lack of sexual or romantic representation and I think this is making things really tough for Asian men.

-Most Black guys on CL are typically looking for White girls, especially blondes. On occasion, they’ll also ask for Black girls too and like their Asian brothers, there are those who will take anything they can get.

So what’s with the whole hoopla around interracial dating anyway? People are always quick to go “Oh, its 2009!” but my response is “Bitch, please!” My last relationship was pretty short and my ex was a Russian-Norwegian mix and although race didn’t break us up (but his racist attitude towards Asian people and asshole ways did) we still got stared at a lot in public on dates and I could tell he was uncomfortable but I didn’t really care—people are always gonna have beef with you as a person of colour and I’m used to dickhead surveillance but he was used to y’know…being White and invisible.

I have family and friends in interracial relationships who’ve been together for years and even have kids but for some reason, it always seems as though they had to work twice as hard to garner that acceptance and validity of their love from their peers and family.

No matter where you’re from, dating outside your race takes A LOT of courage even today and for us girls of colour it also takes slightly more caution and comes with its own set of stresses along with the typical relationship bullshit. Everyone is fairly familiar with the tactics of men on the Pussy Patrol; the dudes who hit it and quit it, and I’m sure for any girl that is in an interracial relationship for the first time or even the tenth time don’t want to be satisfying someone’s “Jungle Fever”, “Yellow Fever” or what have you cravings.

This creates another apprehension for mixed race couples: you wonder if the person is taking you seriously, or if you’re just a fling to quench their curiosity’s lust and having been in that situation, my advice to those of you experiencing something similar is to either figure it out or walk out. If push comes to shove and you have to put up a liquidation sign on that bitch and shut it down (like I did), DO IT.

No part of your person is the Discovery Channel and some mofos are in desperate need of reality checks. You gotta love you, hunny.

Next, one of my biggest pet-peeves are the nay-sayers to interracial dating not just due to being racist or xenophobic but because they believe you somehow “owe” your race by popping out babies only with people who look like you do. I call bullshit—civilizations have never gone extinct or committed genocide against one another because they genuinely loved eachother and decided to get married and have kids. End of story.

So what ya’ll think? I have a bit more to say but do you think the arena of discussion on interracial relationships should be opened up more? Holla back at me.

In the meantime, remember this: Love itself has no colour but manifests itself in all colours—and that’s a very beautiful thing.

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~ by davitacuttita on April 14, 2009.

4 Responses to “Interracial Lovinz”

  1. Wow! I love your post! Alright, I’m an Asian American girl and I have to agree that people assume that you got here from some war-torn foreign land two days ago, especially if you look exotic(I personally think I don’t, but some people say that I do, so yeah..) lol:)People always ask me what my “Asian name” is and “how I learned English” and all that bullshit; it’s not even funny.

    I’ve dated Asians, blacks, whites, Hispanics..Even a Native American guy in high school. To me the amount of melanin in your skin cells doesn’t matter at all. In fact, I would even have a biracial baby; it doesn’t matter to me if the baby doesn’t look anything like me. But I agree that some people don’t want to date interracially because they don’t want babies that don’t look like them. In fact, several years ago, I was dating this blond white guy. He broke up with me after like 2 years, telling me that he wanted white babies who looked like him, not Eurasian babies:P I respected his choice but I don’t know..I guess some people are just afraid of being labelled as “race traitors” and such, and sadly, you can find those types of people in every race. I have an Asian American cousin who swears that she would never marry a non-Asian because she does not want to “dilute” her race…It’s kind of sad.
    Seems like people think racism just automatically ended with the election of Pres. Obama. It has not, sadly. And we’re keep going to have to fight it.:(

  2. Hi Adrianna!

    So glad you liked the post, thanks for sharing your interesting thoughts as well.

    “Race traitors” is the exact word I was struggling for in that article! And it is so true–no one wants that label but it’s always applied to people who never, ever deserve it. I think people have a tendency to see race as something quite skin-deep when we KNOW that it takes more than “looking” like a race to actually being and representing the beliefs, mannerisms and behaviours of it.

    Essentially, the whole thing is a big mess. People died so we could have the freedom to openly love whomever we wanted but we (and others) take this for granted by trivializing it with race expectations and racial “I.O.U”s (as you pointed out with your cousin). Whatever happened to LOVE? LOL.

  3. Hey, I’ve read your stuff a coupla times when it’s been linked from the Fword but now had the time to read a bit more.. great stuff. OK now for the topic: interracial dating. I am a 23 yo white woman living in the UK in Edinburgh, which may be the capital of Scotland but is nowhere near as diverse as London. So for the first time ever I’m seeing a black guy. Not because I chose not to previously, it just happened this way. He is a surgeon from NYC, and I’m seeing a future for us. The thing is, I just wanted to say that you are absolutely right when you said about white people not used to being stared at. I’ve been out with my bf in Edinburgh and Berlin and I find it so weird that people just stare so much I end up feeling selfconscious and then guilty because I think I shouldn’t feel selfconscious. They’re not staring at him cos he’s black, they’re staring at US cos we are a couple! I was preeetty shocked TBH I thought that these days people would’ve gotten over it.. shame. I’m sure in NYC or London it’d be much less, or hopefully not at all.

  4. Hi Chiara,

    Thanks for reading and commenting! Much appreciated.

    I’m glad you found that part of the post intriguing. When I was out with my boyfriend at the time, it took me a little while to notice it but eventually, it just became waaaay to obvious–from what your comment says, I’m sure you’ve experienced the same thing.

    Next, YES, they are absolutely staring because you’re a couple! I’ve been to NYC a few times and I also live in Toronto; one of the most multicultural places on the planet. In Toronto, I just feel that it mostly depends on the people and what area you’re in–sometimes you can walk around without a look (downtown, universities, etc) and some days you feel like you’re in a circus show (upscale malls).

    Don’t let other peoples’ insecurities bother you. Sometimes you can never even tell why they’re staring–maybe they’re thinking “how dreadful!” or “wow, we’ve come a long way!” No matter, in this circumstance, I believe in manners first. Hold your head up and strut for love!

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