Choices By Grandpa Dinosaur

Choices

By Grandpa Dinosaur

Davita Cuttita is Pro-Life.

Her culture is one of responsibility. If you are able to have sex and get pregnant—if you do get pregnant—it is your responsibility to have and raise that child.

I am not Pro-Life. I am not Anti-Abortion. I am Pro-Choice.

Which is funny because I am a Buddhist, shouldn’t I be pro-life. But being a Buddhist has taught me that things are complicated and being a understanding, flexible and firm Buddhist means experiencing, learning and understanding.

No convincing will make me change my life. I have never participated in an abortion. I almost did. When I went to High School, there was a girl who had been in my class and approached me one day. She would be considered “White Trash” even to other White people, back then I would have never thought much about it. There were racist hicks everywhere who would act the same, trying to pass themselves off as prep, polished and urban. She approaches me one day, I am writing. It is English. She says, “punch me in the stomach.”

Of course, I’m CRAZY and I told her that she’s fucking stupid and she leaves. Shocked and appalled. I turn back to my work, and her cousin walk up to me and says, “Lucky you didn’t punch her, she was pregnant and was trying to have an abortion.”

Eventually I would learn, years after, that she already had one special needs child who was addicted to crack, she had 7 abortions, done with a drug cocktail to the abdomen or other horrible means and she only had one true, decent abortion in a clinic. And the one to provide her with her last and least humiliating abortion was the mother of her boyfriend, shocked that her son had not provided the girl with any other options, helped her, disgusted that the young high school girl had been doing it herself. It made re-think my once pro-life stance as not only a decision of myself, but a decision I would be making for others.

I pick up various magazines, to stay connected with the media. (But never influenced.) The most defining words I’ve read was in an article in Bust by Amber Tamblyn that says:

“It’s odd to me how controversial the idea of basic women’s health care is. I do not understand the idea of anyone being pro-abortion; I think it’s an oxymoronic term. At no point is a woman like, ‘Yay! I’m going to get this done.’ “

I cannot imagine a more degrading experience than going to an abortion clinic to kill your child while being marched down a path with protesters attacking you.

A while ago, I read an article in Feministe had a woman talking about how she was forced to have an abortion because her child would not live long. Here I will place the quote.

“Our baby wasn’t going to live. And whatever time he spent in the womb, or out, was just going to be painful. Pain that you or I cannot imagine.

A boy.

We were given two options: Carry on with the pregnancy, knowing what was to come, ignore his pain, and ours.

Or terminate the pregnancy.

Not much else to be said, really; we made the most kind decision, one that no parent-to-be should ever have to make.

A harrowing, sad, anguished couple of weeks followed. I mostly just remember being in the recovery room, missing him so much. Alone suddenly after weeks of activity.

Alone with our broken dreams.

I had aborted at 21 weeks. My body thought it had delivered a baby who needed sustenance, so it began to lactate. Just another painful reminder of what was lost.”

I know of women who have had to have an abortion or they would die. I know of women who’ve had an abortion whose child would not live past a year. Women who are unable to care for more children. Women who knew they would grow to resent and hate their children. Women’s whose options opposed to abortion, were worst than the act itself. Is the value of a child more the life of it’s mother, and how do you make that decision for the mother?

That is why I am Pro-Choice. Because I know what it’s like to have no choices, or feel like you have no choices. To make a wrong choice, or make a choice that feel wrong but a choice you had to make. I know how it feels to have your father, or the men in your community, your brothers, men on the news, try to control you. I’ve been called a murderer for so many different, varying reasons. I know what it’s like. It’s not easy. It’s hard. Sometimes it was mistake or an accident. Sometimes it was intentional.

I understand I’m a murderer too. I kill and eat animals. I eat crops, step on plants. I kill insects that annoy me. Accidentally killed a pet. And no one can make you feel like a shitty murderer like vegetarians. They will tell you meat is murder and you’re a murderer. They’ll even treat your worst than an abortionist. I’ve met some shitty, righteous vegetarians in my life. And You know what, people a murderers, they murder other humans. We have always lived a life where there has been senseless actions, senseless murders.

You’re probably thinking, “but that’s different.” And I reply, “how?” To me, being a Buddhist, the life of a flower, a bird, a cow, a horse, a tiger, a doctor, a homeless person, has the same delicate value and trivialness. I understand that I kill animals to eat, I understand people die in war for their beliefs, people kill to protect their livelihoods and to live. Things are so senseless. And it’s not like I’m not a murder sympathizer, sometimes I’m happy when a child molester is killed or a racist is trampled. I’m not a perfect Buddhist, but I’m not a monk. I do not live sequestered in a monastery. I live outside, where I am forced to make choices, and everyday I try to make the best choice. The most Buddhist choice, if not possible, the choice that is the most easiest to live with. Nothing deserves to die, but everyone does.

Sometimes that’s not or choice, sometimes it is our choice…. Sometime we don’t get to make that choice. There are no easy answers sometimes, but there are choices. I hope that everyone makes the best one, but I won’t hate them too much if they don’t.

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~ by l on June 5, 2009.

2 Responses to “Choices By Grandpa Dinosaur”

  1. I would have to disagree with the Bust quote (and I generally love that magazine). I don’t understand the oxymoron though. That is exactly how I felt to get my abortion; relieved and happy that I had the option and that it wss somewhat simple to facilitate. All my reasons to feel that way, you expressed yourself in your explanation of why you are pro-choice.

  2. For me, I would feel the same as the quote. It wouldn’t be a happy thing, it’s not something that I would say “yay” about. I still see abortion as a last resort after all safety measures have failed. I’m not against it, but I do see it as a choice.

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