Insecurities and Mistakes

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Insecurities and Mistakes
Grandpa Dinosaur

I’m someone who doesn’t have the same body image issues as other girls, I like my body. I like being chubby, I like curling up and feeling my belly far fold into a smile. I love being the warmest person due my plush, I like the padding I have that makes me so soft. Not everyone feels this way about themselves. I don’t have body image issues like other girls, but people do try to give me body image issues.

I’ve talked about how my sister-in-law and her sister both think I am fat, how my father told me that I should cut back on water and how people constantly ask me if I am insecure about my appearance or body image. Despite the constant harassment, I still enjoy being 5′ 1 and 1/2″ and 130~135 pounds.

But I do have one insecurity about my body image, and that is  that I am afraid that because I choose to be fat is that people will not accept me.

Because people are unable to accept my body image, fat people are constantly portrayed to be unhappy in the media. Unhappy, hungry, pretending to be happy. It’s something that Davita and I have discussed over the phone, she said she was writing an article about it after being inspired by a dating show where one fat guy chooses his pick amongst a group of fat women.

I always tried to be true to who I am, not only for this blog but because I am a role model and kids look up to me. I have to set an example of what I think is right and I think being chubby is great.

I am NOT pretending to be happy, I am happy with my weight. I am unhappy with the way people treat me because I am a size six to size eight. I do not feel happy when people question me about my weight, I do not like comments about how people are skinnier than me. I do not like comparing myself to other people or when people compare themselves to me. I hate the constant, competitive, back-stabbing nature of insecure women but I too have insecurities.

I am in the process of exercising and weight loss. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being fat, but I am tired of people asking me if I am happy with being fat.

So tired of people sizing me up and down that I AM losing weight over it.

I’m losing 10 to 15 pounds a week that I try to gain back with effort every Monday.

It’s not something I talk about, but I actually consume a lot of fast food to maintain my 130-135 pounds. If I do not, I lose it all and slim back down to 120-125 due to stress, depression and overwork. I cannot drive and actually walk everywhere as well as carry a lot of bags, I am actually very active so of course I would burn weight and slim down.

What I’m trying to say is that I chose to be like this, I like being like this.

Being plump, chubby and overweight for my height was a PERSONAL decision I chose to make and I actively worked to maintain my fatness. I was not a fat child, I haven’t been fat “for a long time” (although my size 0 family members would argue being a size 5 makes me fat). Being chubby was a DECISION I actually MADE, because I like not being a brainless girl who competes for men’s attention. I’m not someone who cares about appearance or fashion unless from a design standpoint.

How dare people ask me if I am happy or unhappy with my weight like it’s a problem, like I’m dying from being a size seven?

The weight loss is from stress and other things of that nature.

After my trip from Montreal I realized that despite my unhealthy lifestyle of burgers, poutine and salad dressing on white rice I am still losing weight. I thought I would come back with the same weight but I ended up going down three notches on my belt when before I left was on the very last notch.

Being treated badly because I am fat is making my weight plummet. I’m having trouble being fat, I’m having trouble staying fat, I’m having trouble being who I want to be because people hate me for being who I want to be. I will be chronicling people’s reactions and I know my sister-in-law (and her sister) will definitely make some comments.

It’s also a partial experiment.

I’m going to reverse my diet (not hard, it’s a bit weird but I’ve done it before) and go back to being a vegetarian. Start working out, my goal when working out is to become strong enough to do a handstand. I have never, even during my most intense attempts ever achieved that goal and that in itself is horrible. I’m going to pick up sewing again and try out new fashion styles. I’m going to see how shallow those around me are and if it’s too horrifying than I will move to Newfoundland and become a hermit.

Seriously, because if my loved ones “fail the test” I will never forgive them.

I will never forgive them for hating the fat, true me and loving the beautiful, social, fake me.

Will my friends start treating me different, will people stop ditching me now that I am pretty?

Will my guy friends start picking me up?


How long will until someone makes a comment about my previous appearance
? I know I’m going to ENJOY calling them out on their shallowness.

Dear lord what is going to happen to me? Will I go crazy? The last time I stopped eating burgers I dropped to a size three. Burgers are in my blood. I love burgers.

Seriously, I eat between 4-12 burgers a week. I eat more burgers than anyone I know.

It was hard for me to keep my weight, I had to eat COUNTLESS burgers to pull myself from a size 3 to a size 7 and I never was ever close to being a size 14 after that weight loss.

*sigh*

It was very hard for me to come to this decision, but it’s also very hard to maintain my weight. I will be MORE SAD THAN ALL OF YOU TO SEE IT GO! Canada is a very cold place.

If I have insecurities, I want to own up to them.

If I’ve made mistakes I want to own them and work towards making myself a better person.

I occasionally make posts on PDDP that make NO SENSE because I have a firm belief in making mistakes and doing silly things and not being serious all the times and being a person. I try to be the person I want to be to the 100% of my capacity.

That’s what I always try to do on this blog, be a good, active example
and I feel bad about losing weight because I have always been fat positive and proud of my body, but being “fat” is too hard to keep up and I’m not even that fat.

I’m sorry for not being about to put up with the harassment and abandonment caused by my appearance and dress size, even though I was never that fat.

I’m sorry for feeling sad whenever someone some called me unfashionable and unstylish because I choose not to dress up everyday—but I’m definitely going to make them sorry for ever calling me that by throwing their shallowness in their faces.

I want to confront them with the fact that they are incredibly shallow by losing weight and being that pretty person they prefer and throwing it back in their face.

Because no matter what size I was in all points of my life, I am still true to me and I am still going to eat burgers.

I’ll always be burg’in for burgers.

ALWAYS.

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~ by l on August 10, 2009.

8 Responses to “Insecurities and Mistakes”

  1. I’m pretty sure they’re going to fail the test. I don’t think there’s a point of your diet change as a social experiment (I already know the answer), although I think you should do what is most convenient for you.

    I usually don’t dress well or wear makeup, but the few times I did, all of a sudden the popular girls suddenly started saying hi to me. I saw the difference even one day makes, if that day I doll up.

    I think working out is good decision, though, because you will live longer and it protects against disease.

    (I’m naturally thin, but I’m not a “brainless girl who competes for men’s attention.” I tried various methods to bulk up in the past, but they didn’t work.)

    • I kinda want them to fail it.

      I’m kinda losing weight anyway and my diet is going to change now that I’m going to grad school and I’m participating in more events and networking, my diet will have to change ANYWAY. And I’ll always be commuting ANYWAY so the experiment will be fun.

      I’ve done this before, my dad will still think I’m fat, my friends will notice and my sister-in-law will notice. It’s like cosplaying (my hobby) or mascoting (a previous job I had) to me, like pretending to be Hanna Montanna… I don’t know that is, maybe Batman?

      Ya, I hate that. I wore a dress to prom (instead of dressing up as a red mage) and people who I didn’t know said there was a bet that I was wearing a tux.

      Yeah, I’m not as active as I used to be. It’d be nice to achieve my goal of a handstand.

      (No, I mean girls who lose weight to get guys attention. When I lost weight, guys paid attention to me. It was HORRIBLE!

      I’ve had so many body types, I’ve been size 16 to size 3. Muscley to fat to skinny, so I’m kind of glad that I have so much body-type experience.

      Bulking up is hard, but if my size zero friend can be a hulk-o-maniac, you can too.)

  2. If I have insecurities, I want to own up to them.

    This is one of the most beautiful lines I have ever heard. We should all be doing that.

    To this day, if I make myself a big ol plate of mashed potatoes, especially–god forbid, after eight o’clock when my motabolism slows down–my mother will stand behind me and whisper ‘faaat, faaaat!’

    I’m not fat or even chubby. My BMI (if such a thing is even reliable) is a very solid 20, but my mother is horrified that I might BECOME fat. My poor sister, on the other hand, pushes chubby and my mother WILL NOT REST until she’s pushed her own insecurities (being chubby her whole life) onto my poor sister.

    I do my best to convince my poor sister to ignore it and try to set a good example. The other day mother asked me, “but what if you gain like fifty pounds?”

    I said, “what if?”

    For the life of me, I’ll never understand the popular idea that fat is a bad thing. To me it’s another descriptive word–like blonde or non-black hispanic. I don’t see the negitive behind it. It’s just neutral.

    PS; I’m glad someone else here is fond of the fast food =3

    • Usually I don’t care, but it’s getting a bit much as I’m losing weight over it and I was 123-125 before I put on the weight for me. Like, I INTENTIONALLY put on the weight. I like being fat and chubby.

      My dad is anorexic and has been most of his life, last year he lost a lot of weight. I MEAN A LOT!!!! I have my dad’s thin, muscular build but my mom’s chubby-softness in my face that drives my dad nuts.

      In fat all of my “fatness” comes from my mom, my DAD is the one who rails on fat. My mom will complain sometimes, but she knows she’s fat too and she gave me her fatness. LOL!

      My brother is INCREDIBLY FAT in the middle, but has a lot of muscle. He claims to be fit when he eats butter soaked meals and eats twice as much as me.

      I like being fat and I like fast food.

      FAST FOOD HIGH FIVEEEEEE!!!!

  3. Losing weight in spite of an unhealthy diet is a sign that something is physically wrong. Get thyself to a doctor.

    No one should have to try to maintain their weight by damaging their cardiovascular health.

    • Oh, my doctor says I’m healthy all the time (excluding my allergies and my muscle around my heart swelling problem). It’s just stress, it’s always been stress.

      My doctors are pretty much useless.

  4. Really nice posts. I will be checking back here regularly.

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