No Regrets Blog #2

This post is dedicated to a friend:

No Regrets Blog #2
by Grandpa Dinosaur

I’m starting to move to bench-pressing 30 pounds. That’s pretty big for me because I’ve only been working out for six weeks. I’ve only weighed myself twice in five weeks and I lost… three pounds, hopefully I will only gain weight (!!!) and muscle. I’m pretty buff now, but wear loose clothing to hide it. I don’t want to flaunt my muscle; it’s like a private thing only for me. Guys already notice me, a truck set off a blare of horns. I wasn’t even in his way or anything, so it was definitely… (.////.)

I usually work out when I feel like it, up to four times a week. I’m eating better and making better decisions, but I’m still really depressed. I’ve spent my entire life being forced into playing the bad guy and that in itself makes me want to kill myself, it’s no wonder I’m so depressed when I’m with “friends.” I’m actually not in the wrong, because if I was I would apologize and fix it.

I’m glad we’ve had this race blog for so long. It’s forced me to own my own prejudices and mistakes. It makes me confront, own, control and transform my racism into something inspiring and productive, instead of hateful. My life is better for it.

I’ve been thinking lately, does my inner strength make people fear and resent me? I’ve always gone for my goals and been proactive even though I’ve wanted nothing more than to crumble to the floor and cry. I turned to training and exercise because I had no one and nowhere else to turn to. When people forced me to be alone, I re-made my core that had always been the same for decades and strengthened my resolve.

I’ve been in grad school for two weeks so far and despite the workload I am on top on my homework. Right now I know who my real friends are and who I want to support no matter how hard my life is. I have a friend I always think of who’s in a bad position right now, I sent her a text last night and when she responded I knew she was crying. She’s in my thoughts when I’m pouring into my work.

I ironically met an enemy of my enemy, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend. It’s nice to make real people who understand what you are going through! I’ve lost a lot of friends due to the split up with someone who I thought cared but really didn’t, it’s nice to make friends due to it!

As I met some of the goals and intergrated them into my life, here are some more for positive changes:
1. Deal with serious issues with crying and “looking ugly” when I cry by wearing jewellery and telling myself I am beautiful
2a. By redesigning room to look beautiful so I want to clean it
2b. Improving storage
3a. Make some clothes
3b. Open a site showcasing it?
4a. Buy make-up
4b. Wear it! (LOL!!!)
4c. Make one day of the week dress-up day! (Even if it’s at home!!!)|
5. Clean up to three times a day in small bursts


~ by l on September 18, 2009.

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