No Regrets Blog #3

No Regrets Blog #3
by Grandpa Dinosaur

Hey, checking in. I’m still eating some terrible foods and I’m still working out, I’m on my plateau so I’m happy and I’m really enjoying my exercise. I was afraid of losing too much weight and I’m starting to get used my new body. I look at the mirror everyday and I find I like my arms, but hate how thin I’m getting. I’m not 100% comfortable with the new body yet, I was more comfortable being fatter and plusher.

I’ll admit I’m more attracted to people who have some fat and plush and really bone thin girls really gross me out. I’ll let you all in on a little secret, I’ve dated a lot of thin girls but I could never really… “Get it up” in the female way because their bones kept stabbing me awkwardly. I prefer fullness and curves in a potential spouse BUT I have a tendency to meet pretty women. They’re all so thin and it never works out because I like them but I’m not attracted to them unless they’re really outgoing.
It’s also probably why I don’t find my new body to be as attractive, in fact I’m working hard on abs because I don’t like being skinny and seeing that there’s no muscle there. I like being muscular, there is no middle ground for me. It’s either fat or muscular, I don’t even like toned. I know being “toned” is in but… Ugh.

A lot of men (and homeless people) keep hitting on me. I never seem to attract the women I want to attract, and when I do, they want to cheat on their spouses with me! HA!

A lot of guys are hitting on me now and I just want them all to go away. I mean, no one even noticed me before and now that I’m suddenly attractive because I work out? UGH! This was the same as a couple of years ago.
I’m putting more effort into my appearance and I now wear make-up when I feel like it. Sometimes I’ll just throw on some make-up and go out with Davita or for a meeting. I hate it when people notice me now. Yeah, I wasn’t wearing make-up before, I didn’t see the point. I used the money to buy DVD’s of Batman, for serious. I own a lot of Batman merchandise.

I just want those guys who like me now to go away. Like, why couldn’t people like me when I was size 10? Why do people talk to me now? Go away! Pretty ladies please come and talk to me though. Hahaha.

I’m a pretty terrible person for working extra hard at school and exercising to get revenge on my sister-in-law on the side. I admit I’m a jerk for doing it, but she really deserves it. She’s been really rude and cruel to me by cooking shellfish in my house ever since I started school. And she knows the smell is deadly, the only wake-up call that will stun her if I have to call the ambulance because I’m having problems breathing. Because I already HAVE had problems breathing and had to see if they progressed to call the doctor, people wonder why I’m so vindictive sometimes but when you have someone like my sister-in-law hovering over you every time you eat calling you obese (when you’re not) and you have your own father claiming that you gain weight by drinking water.

I’m working hard on NOT being distrustful and vindictive, but there are times I know and feel the loneliness eat at me. I wonder why people treat me so badly and why don’t they care that they hurt me. I’m forced to react and when I do, everyone just stares at my actions and lambasts me for acting out in anger…. I know that last sentence is not true, because my friends have told me that my feelings are justified and I have done my best but I know I’ve worked so hard with so little and you see other people who haven’t faced hardships as bad and worked less and done worse things than I get more, I can’t help but feel alone and hopeless. I just want to finish school so I can move on with my life, I’m getting high grades (so far) and I’m definitely spearheading a lot of my school subjects. I’ve filled my life with great things and I’ll fight for those things.

I pretty much feel like I’m a horrible person, here I am saying I like being fat and I’m fat positive but I’m exercising. I made sure to still eat what I want to eat, but I do take time to cook what I do eat even if it’s cutting a slab of butter to melt and smear of toast. Exercising has made me less depressed and has something for me to focus on when I feel lonely, which I can say that I hated exercise because there was an aura of self-hatred whenever I talked to women exercising. It’s probably because they were exercising to lose weight and I wasn’t. In fact I identify with some of my friends more, but only the ones who lift weights. Lifting weights has giving me such a feeling of empowerment.

I’ll be honest that I am very uncomfortable in my new body because I know have a body that people find attractive and I don’t like that, because it means the me I was before was unattractive and I was—am comfortable in that body. Even though lifting weights and bench-pressing is empowering me, I feel that I should go back and be fat because I believe that being fat doesn’t make you unattractive. On the other hand, the empowerment I feel from weight lifting is so great I could never go back.
I’ll probably stop writing this column when 1) I can bench-press some crazy number 2) I find a conclusion to all this, until then XD !

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~ by l on October 11, 2009.

2 Responses to “No Regrets Blog #3”

  1. I don’t think exercising, in and of itself, makes you less fat positive. Motivation is key, here. I know lots of fat people who exercise because they enjoy doing it. Some lose weight, some don’t. The trick to it (“it” being a whole hair lot of things, actually) is being comfortable in your own skin.

    I don’t think you’re a horrible person. I think you’re a complex person; from me, that’s a compliment. It does make things more difficult, granted… but that’s kind of the nature of the beast. It means that there’s no black/white – it’s all shades of grey. How you interpret those shades, and what you do with what you see… that’s what determines the sort of person you are. And it is a choice, don’t doubt that.

    (I hope that made any amount of sense outside of my head. Week ??? of swine flu makes for a very rambly brainmeats.)

    • That actually puts a lot in perspective for me now that I can see people exercising (in my mind) and enjoying it. To me, it has such a negative gloom that I’ve carried over from high school where you are forced in a very negative way to engage in sports and the attitudes female dieters around me. It did make me feel better, thank you.

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