Big Meals, Big Butts and Wanderlust

nouar-tempt-me

Big Meals, Big Butts and Wanderlust
Cut by: Davita Cuttita

I love to eat.

There is no way I can ever deny it; food is definitely one of my best friends.

It took me a while to come to terms with it, to come to terms with the fact that I am female and REFUSE to eat lightly and drink nothing but water or diet coke.

When I get something big to eat, I know people look. I can see them exchanging glances. I suppose they wonder if I can finish it and in 99% of the cases, I do.

And then I want more.

Until recently…

Lately, whenever I get a plate of food the same sensations do present themselves—I’m ecstatic that it’s there and I can’t wait to eat it. But then I also think “Whoa, this is gonna give me a big butt” as I clench my utensils and let apprehension sink into my stomach.

I go to the gym regularly during the week anyway and since this blog I’ve actually lost a couple of pounds (again) weighing in at roughly 126lbs at a height of 5”7 and am now finally able to wear size 5 jeans whereas before, I mostly wore size 7 and I’ve still kept those pants because they’re still fairly comfy and stylish if I wear a belt.

In regards to my gym habits, I’ve always tried to be a juggernaut about it. I go three to four times a week early in the morning when it’s fairly empty and on average, I’ll usually stay for an hour and a half or two hours, depending on how much time I can squeeze in between classes. I place most emphasis on killer cardio so I can run from the police (HAH!).

About 2 years ago, I remember wanting to fit into a size 5 so damn badly. I remember this feeling was 1000x more intense after my accident three years ago and I was placed on medication that made me gain about 20—25 pounds in 3 months.

I kinda hate that…I’ve reached my “ideal” point but for some reason, it seems as though I’m being haunted by guilt that I could somehow “ruin” this for myself. I also feel guilty about the fact that I really do have an appreciation for the human body and the varieties it comes in but still get irked about my own. I hate the days where I have a hard time accepting my body.

Dating also seems to increase the “pressure”.

Sitting or lying next to someone of the opposite sex in close quarters is already kinda foreign to me and then things get trickier depending on the time of day and how much or how little clothes you are wearing. You’re definitely more attentive to your body when you start sharing it with another person; from the moisture in your lips and hands to that part of your upper inner thigh that’s a little extra jiggly and gets a giggle when grabbed.

That being said, most men that seem to be asking me out lately are the (White) French kind and it’s GREAT having extra homework help on demand (LOL) and getting quite chivalrous treatment when I can stomach it without blushing. Also, the French attitude towards food has been a generous experience in itself; I’ve really been learning about what tastes go well together and how to really savour what I eat and to further appreciate freshly made meals and ingredients. I’ve been eating such damn good home cooking which is AMAZING compared to all the boiled-out slop I have to concoct on stovetop burners until I can get an oven at my new apartment. But there’s always the little “ick” moments in conversation that going something like “…Eating that will make you fat! That is why Americans…” and so on.

I don’t want any part of this pressure to stay thin but for some reason, it’s been a little bit harder to resist than usual as I occasionally flash back to my more medicated and introverted days. It’s been so much easier for me to buy cute little jeans, sweaters and dresses; I’ve been able to shop at a lot more bargains and save money that I desperately need for food (the irony!) but at the same time, I’ve been in denial of my fear of “going back” to how I was for the past little while.

All in all, I figured more or less that it’s healthier to admit when I’m having not-so-confident days rather than to just cover them up. Confidence is always key, even if you have to fake it; but keeping an eye on threats to your self-esteem and owning up to them is also important to making sure your confidence is of the healthy kind.

On top of being more honest with myself I’ve also promised myself to travel more.

New York this summer was pretty OK but the trip Grandpa and I took to Montréal (as well as the subsequent trip I made to it again afterwards) was ridiculously enthralling. On top of that, another trip to Europe to see the rest of my family is definitely in order for *hopefully* the near future. Definitely back to Birmingham again but Paris and London are also on my destination list and the TRAINS. I don’t mind the tinier cars of Europe and I really don’t give a shit about most art but I would really like to use the trains to move between towns more. I like trains a lot for some odd reason; especially the clean and comfy ones put aside to take you to far off places.

I get a real high travelling and typically, the experience does nothing but good things for me in every way; especially since I’m neither the hobby-having type nor the stay-at-home type. When I experience something, I find I like experiencing with my WHOLE body, mind and spirit. Really, nothing but music, travel and turning off the lights and locking the door with a good looking guy get that accomplished for me so… I’m kinda hoping for more of all three and at the same time, really trying not to get too greedy.

Image is a painting by Nour up at Eat Me Daily.

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~ by davitacuttita on October 13, 2009.

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