“No Fat Chicks”

No Fat Chicks

No Fat Chicks
Cut by: Davita Cuttita

The other night I was invited out to a party by a male French friend of mine.

Everyone there was from France, most of them were out of my friend and I’s age group by five years or more but we were lucky enough to still find a few people around our age to hang out with.

An acquaintance of my friend generously ordered two pitchers of beer for us and started digging into me with questions about my girlfriends, wondering if I knew anyone single he could date.

I know a few single girls, one of which I knew for sure was looking. I gave a general explanation of her and a few others. He began complaining about the women in the room and berating my friend for having a girl to go out with (me) while he’d been trying for three years to find a girlfriend in Canada.

“Look at the women in this room—this country is like a political asylum for ugly French girls! Do you have any pretty friends? Friends prettier than the women here?” he asked.

“Um, I dunno about prettier but I think they’re a bit younger,” I answered.

“Age doesn’t matter as long as she’s not too old,” he said.

I told him a little about my friend that was looking. “’She’s really pretty,” I finished.

“She’s not fat, is she?” he asked.

“Um…well, yeah, she is,” I answered a little stiffly.

“Ah, non, non…” he answered shaking his head. *“Let us put that one to the side” (*roughly translated from the French for “Let us let that one ‘fall’”)

“No fatties, for you?” my French friend said to him, laughing. “You are eating a big slice of chocolate cake! I thought you enjoyed grease and gaining weight!”

“How many fat girlfriends do you have?” he asked.

I thought for a moment.

“Two,” I answered.

“Two fatties,” my acquaintance echoed.

Non, non! Put them both to the side! No fat girls!”

The men laughed.

Speaking from a position of thin privilege, I can honestly say that I’ve never gotten this response from any man and can hardly even imagine the devastating effect that would have on someone’s self-esteem. Also speaking from a position of thin privilege, I can whole-heartedly admit that sometimes I make mistakes and am not as perceptive to other peoples’ feelings as I’d like to be, but I’m working on it.

As I recounted the story of the party to her, she was suddenly excitedwhen I mentioned this random guy—he was tall, seemingly East Indian in decent, fair appearance, educated, good job and spoke three languages. This was a little odd to me as we weren’t talking about dating or setting her up and the nicer guys I’ve mentioned, guys who actually like her, never incited the same reaction.

“That’s so awesome! You can give him my number and—”

Now, in response to a comment, I need to say a little something.

First off, I never mentioned the guy to my friend in the context of dating or being a potential date for her. We were making small talk.

I make it very explicit when I’m setting her up. i.e  “Hey M,  X thinks you’re hot and wants to date you.  He looks like ___ and is ____” etc. This was not one of those cases. I was talking about the party and the people I’d met there, nothing more.

She LOVES being single and advocates strongly for social acceptance of the single life all the time. The words “desperate” or  “lonely” are not even a part of her vocabulary, she’s one of the kindest, most popular and hard-working people I know so I was suprised she was suddenly excited.

I’ve mentioned other guys to her within the dating context–nicer, educated, hard-working guys who were actually interested in her and didn’t care about her size–and she’s never reacted so positively; or at all for that matter. I didn’t expect her to so readily offer her information like that, especially since this time, I wasn’t even finished talking about the guy by getting to the bad parts about him and that we were not talking about dating or setting her up. It was hard to finish up the rest of the story and let her know he was a fat-phobic asshole.

“Honestly, I’d rather not hook you up with some random French dude I met at a bar unless I knew him a bit better first,” I said. My friend nodded and asked a few more questions about the guy, which I answered.

“Plus there’s one other thing…” I irked. “I hate having to say this but I’m only saying this because I wanna be honest with you and I love you bu—”

“He doesn’t date fat girls, does he?” she answered in a dead-pan tone.

Before I could even finish my sentence, she had already sensed the rejection coming.

“Yeah,” I answered. I made sure I told her about his other comments.

“Well…it’s OK, he sounded like an asshole anyway,” she answered before laughing her ass off at the “ugly French girls” comment.

What got me the most was when I realized that my friend has been, in a way, taught to expect disappointment and I was just another cog in the vicious cycle; even though I really didn’t mean to be. And you know what? I own up to that, I don’t hide my mistakes under a carpet of pretend-sympathy or act like they’re OK–that’s part of the reason why I wrote this article. If I make mistakes trying to be more accepting of fat people, I encourage you to shoot me. Honestly, I do. Sometimes tough love is good.

I truly didn’t expect her to react this way, especially since we weren’t talking about this guy in the context of dating or setting her up and all my other OBVIOUS attempts at setting her up with nicer men have been met with apathy. I’m not blaming her for jumping into my story mid-sentence, maybe she was feeling extra receptive that day. Besides, she has the right to pick whomever she wants and I’m glad to help her out.

I began to wonder if I should have bothered telling her everything about the party—or anything at all. Then again, how could I have forseen her reaction taking into account all my failed attempts and the context of our conversation? We were not talking about dating or setting her up and I’d told her about so many other wonderful and interested guys in detail before and she never reacted this way to their advances. I guess the outcome of our conversation was unexpected on both our parts.

Anyhoo…

The more I think about it, the more I realize that there really is no “nice way” to say “No Fat Chicks”. Really, it doesn’t matter how much you try to paraphrase it and dress it up with “politically correct” words. I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings so I tried to soften the blow and if that’s a crime I’m guilty as charged.

To me, it is a reminder that as women, our bodies still remain to be very much objects that belong to the public rather than living organisms under the sovereignty of our minds.

Although I’m not much for dating, the men I have encountered here and there seem to have a sense of preservation in regards to my body. No one has ever complained when I eat a lot, and trust me; I eat A LOT but whenever I have some junk food, like McDonalds (which I hate but sometimes get cravings for), the scenario I receive from a guy is usually:

a. It’s OK for me to eat it because I go to the gym regularly
b. It’s OK for me to eat it so long as any fat that may be accumulated goes to a sexual part of my body (i.e. ass or boobs)
c. I should be “careful” eating it because I will get fat

There appears to be a complex around “keeping me the way I am” and making sure I don’t fall into the “unattractive” category. It’s the same mantra but just unsaid: No Fat Chicks.

Now, I understand that most (good) men have an internal “must protect female!” thing sounding off in their head constantly and I know some guys might pass these remarks as playful jokes so I want to make it clear that this is NEITHER of those cases.

The social politics behind “No Fat Chicks” is all based on suppressive body and sexuality aesthetics stemming from societies’ unrealistic standards of beauty. Even though it must be *especially* devastating for fat women, I believe it affects all of us as females, no matter what size we are.

I’m not going to submit myself to being controlled and maintained for someone else’s sexual benefit. If controlling how a woman looks appeals to you, buy a Real Doll but don’t fuck around with my food, for serious. I will stab you with a fork (as I prefer eating with spoons anyway; I can shovel the food into my mouth much faster).

I am more than capable of deciding how I want to look and deciding how I want to maintain my body in regards to what *I* think makes me beautiful and maintains my personal health requirements and needs. I don’t like how I look everyday but when I do—Damn. Watch out!

Gentlemen, there’s more to women AND fat women than just a beauty aesthetic or some sort of fetishism.

LADIES, honestly now—we have to start proving ourselves and stop expecting disappointment as the norm. We expect disappointment when our standards are self-effacing. Yes, everyone wants to look hot n’ sexxxay, but there is so much more to sexiness than appearance and we need to start taking personal responsibility for how we perceive ourselves and how we allow others to superimpose what they want us to be onto our bodies—not out of love, concern or protection but out of LUST.

When we accept inferiority in exchange for responsibility, integrity and pride; we are destroying not what it means to be a woman, but what it means to be a GOOD woman.

We’re all guilty of at some point in time, over-thinking about the most superficial shit about ourselves; I’ll raise my hand and admit my part in that, too. Let’s STOP thinking for a second about what it means to be a woman because all that thinking got us to the Land of Nowhere decades ago and we still haven’t fucking moved an inch! Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

Therefore, let’s START thinking about what it means to be GOOD women, as people, as ourselves.

I realize that this is why despite her initial disappointment, my friend took the news quite well and never fret over it once. She knows she’s a good woman, she knows that the shit behind “No Fat Chicks” is not worth a second of her precious time.

There will always be time to buy shoes on sale and eat chocolate but we seriously need to revaluate our womanhood NOW and define the goodness of womanhood so we can start being good to ourselves and eachother.

A woman with pride, a woman with standards for herself, a woman who really enjoys being a lady: THAT’S what’s sexy, that’s where sexiness comes from: A woman with power over herself. We are some powerful fucking beings; let me tell you. Pick up a good history book and see for yourself.

What do you want? How do you want to look for you?

No, no Fat Chicks.

We’re called women and if that’s a problem, bow down and blow it out your ass.

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~ by davitacuttita on November 3, 2009.

4 Responses to ““No Fat Chicks””

  1. Since this man had already (obnoxiously) said that he wouldn’t date a “fat” woman, why bother mentioning him to your friend as a potential date? Just for the sheer joy of wielding “thin privilege” and seeing your friend’s reaction? “I hate having to say this but I’m only saying this because I wanna be honest with you and I love you” – sounds like something out of Mean Girls.

    Also, I like how you uncritically cite the man’s height, employment status and access to education as plus points that make him somehow worth dating, despite his obnoxious personality! I mean, assessing a person’s worth by their height? That’s straight up body fascism.

    • Hi Vagina Warrior,

      Actually, I never said that I was going to set her up with him nor did I ever mention him to her in the context of a potential date. We were making small-talk.

      If you go back up and read, you’ll notice I said I was only recounting the day (we were in bed at a Halloween party/sleepover talking) and she suggested that I gave him her information BEFORE I even got into telling her about the meaner details about him such as not liking fat women and generally being an asshole (i.e. the ugly french girl comment). The post has been edited to reflect these details. When I try to set her up, my intentions are ALWAYS explicit; it’s usually “Hey M, so-and-so thinks you’re hot and wants to date you. He looks like ____ and is _____ ” etc. This was not one of those cases, I was not talking about him within the dating context at all.

      My friend is definitely *not* a desperate person and she absolutely loves the single life so I guess her thoughts got slightly ahead of her just this once. I love her to death and wasn’t expecting her to say anything like that (I’ve told her about lots of other guys far better than him who were actually interested in her and she never reacted this way) so I wanted to soften the blow a little and if I’m wrong for not wanting to hurt her feelings, I’ll take responsibility for that. I’ll also take responsibility for the fact that I was probably a bit unsensitive and made a mistake, hopefully making mistakes when I’m trying to be perceive fat in a positive way after viewing it negatively for so long doesn’t make me a “body facist” but rather, is just a ditch in the road to complete body acceptance; an experience I can learn from and not repeat in the future. Being human sure is hard, huh?

      Thanks for reading & commenting.

  2. For every guy who has a “no fat chicks” policy there is a woman who has a “no bald dudes” policy. They are equally ridiculous and time will take care of them…they will grow old and fat and bald.

    • Hi Carolyn J!

      So nice to see you again. LMAO, you are definitely right about the “no bald dudes” thing. I think the only difference is that it tends to be more age specific as only a minority of young men lose their hair at an early stage (like my older brother who is only 28, lol). The fat chicks thing is so all-encompassing though; no matter what your age if you’re fat it’s a no go. As usual, through some loophole of crap women get it worse. Again.

      But as you said, time will even the score! LOL!! Thanks for dropping by. ^_^

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