No, Why, New York.

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No, Why, New York.
Cut by: Davita Cuttita

During late May of this year, I was fortunate enough to make a trip to Amerika after being surprised with a roadtrip by my Mom and her friends.

I’ve been to the States a few times before and I usually do so in order to partake in some form of shopping or junk food eating and this trip was no exception.

In general, I think Amerika is pretty OK. I absolutely love how there are so many stores we don’t get here in Canadada-land where I can come out looking fabulous for little to nothing. This especially helps on a starving student/under the poverty line budget.

I did most of my shopping in Queens and Brooklyn so I guess maybe they aren’t as conceited about body perception there as let’s say, LA. All the plus size clothes were incredibly easy to find for my Mom and her friends and were respectfully by the regular clothes (or on the same rack as them). My Mom and her friends were able to get a lot of great clothes for all occasions that in Canada, is not readily available in such quantities and variety—especially at a reasonable price: and this goes for all sizes. It was nice to go shopping alongside my Mom.

I remember asking for a size seven of capris that I saw on a mannequin and the clerk laughed at me—she said the mannequin was wearing a size 7. SCARY! I’ve never been anywhere where I was the same size as a mannequin before. The weirdest part was that they were a little too big but size 5 fit well.

Of course, this meant I needed hamburgers.

McLovin'

Davita demonstrating the typical Canadian welcome during a Mikky D's run in Manhattan at 4:30AM. Circa: Winter 2006.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find junk food in Canada?

Everything kind of repeats itself: pizza, hamburgers, and subs ad nauseum so it’s really boring to go out and eat if you want traditional junk. White Castle, Papa John’s, Checker’s, Sonic’s, The Cheesecake Factory, TGI Friday’s and more—all non-existent. The Canadian junk food buck pretty much stops with Wendy’s, McDonalds, Burger King, Tim Horton’s and a few pizza/sub chains.

Anything that is not pizza/sub/hamburger or a watered-down version of Chinese food is typically “homestyle” cooked foods of foreign origin. So when I go out to eat with friends downtown or even in the suburbs it’s mainly at sit-down restaurants that serve either sushi, Vietnamese, Greek, Italian, Persian or Indian (French is still pretty expensive).

But you still miss nice things like MELTED CHEESE and BEEFY-BEEFY-BEEF because they are full of all those deliciously addictive chemicals and sugars that make your brain happy when Canada weather makes everything sad.

I don’t know anything about “American” food in general but if I were a junk food connoisseur, the Yanks are at the top of the world in my book!

Checkers hamburger=Good times.

Checkers burger=Good times.

I nearly pissed myself when I went to White Castle and could get one of those mini-burgers for 75 cents WITH TAX. You can’t even get a damn pack of gum for 75 cents up here! I had to gasp my chest and fight for air in that place, I was gonna pass tha fuck out from amazement! Of course, I had to go to Burger King after and get a combo because American portions are bigger so more bank for the buck there and the weirdest thing happened—about half way through my double whopper with onion rings and Dr. Pepper, my belly *literally* kicked me.

It was a motherfuckin’ kung-fu style KICK.

I kid you not, it felt like I had a beefy-cheesy being in me fighting for freedom of choice. Then, there was this odd feeling of fullness but not in a pleasant or comfortable way. Anyhoo, I ignored all that shit and kept on eating until my mission was accomplished. During that night, the ghost of my angry burger baby attacked with a vengeance, making it difficult for me to sleep. I also had some chest pains so I resigned from my Amerikan hamburger spree in fear of any further beefy-cheesy retribution.

They say that there is no difference between America and Canada. I beg to differ.

All you have to do is look at the architecture. No, for serious.

I am convinced that Canadians have something I’d like to call “Obsessive Compulsive Landscaping Disorder” or OCLD.

I cannot recall a time in my life where something was not under construction. There is construction outside my door right now .The split second a building starts to show its age, it is knocked down and replaced with a bigger, fancier, shinier building. There are brand new buildings going up all the time and old buildings being destroyed all the time with nary a protester or complaint.

That goes for the roads as well, and it can get damn annoying when every year the exact same road is completely destroyed and replaced. There’s even a Canadian joke saying that there are only two seasons: “Winter and Construction”.

There isn’t really any “old” architecture in Canada…at least, not in Toronto. Sometimes the government likes to trick people too—the Union station in downtown Toronto looks ancient as hell outside but as soon as you walk through the damn doors—state of the art.

As a matter of fact, I think that Pearson Airport (main airport of Toronto) should be a tourist attraction. I feel like I’m in the damn future in there, it’s all shiny and clean and…shiny.

Since America is the richest country in the world (?) I assumed that I was going to be blown the fuck away with fancy architecture. This was not the case in New York which is understandable, considering it’s massive population and the fact that the oldness…kinda makes New York what it is. I really liked the graffiti though and I have a small collection of New York graffiti pictures that I’m pretty pleased with.

I REALLY regret not having the chance to try the clubbing scene out. I love loud music and dancing and NEW YORK, shit that’s like the place to party apparently. I wasn’t even born when the Club Kid scene was started and was in kindergarten when it was at its zenith but I still have this absolute admiration for its spirit and James St James. RuPaul too—naturally! Oh someday New York club scene…someday!*sniffle*

James St James: Making Bitches Gag since 1984.

And I’ve done a little touristy shit here and there before too: took the train system (those rats look big enough to snatch your purse!), been to Central Park, been to Times Square and the Empire State building.

I was actually more interested in the restaurant in the Empire State building rather than the building itself…I just wanted to fantasize that King Kong was on top of it in a crown swatting at airplanes and that’s what I did after laughing out loud to myself and snapping photos.

CIMG0240

Times Square was very…commercial. On TV, it seemed like a magical place full of…I don’t know what, they never say. But I didn’t think it was stores. Nice, ritzy stores perfect for sticking the face against and wishing.

No, Why, New York. I wish I had more time to explore…

I only blame myself for not having more money and a larger stomach!—as well as some good friends to share the experience with. Maybe next time…

“…Leaving her felt like I was walking away from a fire.
A fire that killed the both of us…slowly. So slowly…”

Alec Empire, “No, Why, New York”

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~ by davitacuttita on November 16, 2009.

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